Because I Love You So...

I have thought of giving up many times, of leaving you many times. To have back the normal life I used to have, to be able to meet my friends and have a nice meal, watch a movie or even to go clubbing and have drinks without having to think twice about spending money. To not feel guilty about spending money which could be put to better use like helping you clear some of your bills.

To live everyday not feeling stressed and depressed and afraid of what will happen next, to be able to make plans for the future that could be. If only you could just accept what might happen to you and not think of doing stupid things which makes me worry about you, that makes me cry at night and lose sleep over.

I didn't leave, I stayed, it would be selfish of me to leave now when I am the only person who actually give a damn what happens to you, but all the more, I stayed because i love you to much.

So do not be selfish and do things that will hurt me when I'm willing to stand by you through it all.

A Cry For Help... =(

When i restarted my blog, it was in hopes that things i write down will be happier and better. Instead, everything is going downhill and i don't know what to do anymore. 

My own personal life is still alright, i have gone back to studying to get a degree in a field that i have an interest in and also as a promise to my mum to get a degree. With all that is happening, it made me realize just how lucky and fortunate i am to have parents that support me in my studies, pay for my school fees and give me allowance so that i do not have to worry about finances. Even though i am working part time now, i did not need to, i chose to work part time because i do not want to burden my mum further with having to provide my monthly allowance and also to help my dear financially. I am grateful enough that she is willing to pay for my studies and i am going to work hard to not let her down and regret paying for my studies. I still have my close friends and new good friends from Toshiba who are all there for me if i need them and i'm really grateful to have them in my life. 

The person i am most worried about is my dear. He is still unable to get a job even though he have been trying really hard to find one. I do not know what will happen next month, i only know it will not be good if he still can't get a job. He hasn't been getting enough sleep because he can't stop worrying about the next day. He is so sleep deprived and stressed out about things that he is even thinking about ending his life so that his debt problem will be gone. He actually thinks ending his life will make people happy! Most of his friends have turn their backs to him when he asked for help (people who know him should know that he is a very prideful person and asking for help is one he would rather not do) and those were people that he have helped before, only a small handful offered help and they weren't even the rich ones. Now i know, rich people are the last people you should ask help from. In future, i will never offer help to rich people, because they will never return the favor if you ever needed help next time, they won't even reply your messages. 

The worst is his own family members! I have never been to disgusted by anybody in my whole life before, but his sister managed to accomplish that. All his stupid sister ever focus on is all the wrongs he have done in the past. It so typical of unreasonable & seriously stupid people to only focus on the negative when things go bad. I don't really blame his mum by being misguided by his sister because his sister is as manipulative as the government, maybe even worse. Putting all those wrong thinking into their mum's head. She tells bullshit like how he never contributed to the house, how he never put in a single cent since the first day they got the house. Do we really need to get hdb to print the house transaction, laminate it and paste it on the wall somewhere for her and their mum to see that he did contribute? Unless she is so dumb not to know that CPF happens to be money as well? And what about all the PUB, electricity, conservancy and cable bills? He have been paying for them most of the time since they moved into the house. He only missed the payment by like 2 months when she came back to Singapore and she talked like he haven't paid them for a year. And what about the nonsense about her own brother not wanting to work and only wants to live off their mum? Your brother is so much smarter then you. Would he invest in such a stupid plan when he will obviously outlive his own mother? Goes to show the kind of thinking uneducated people have. 

Would seeing her brother dead make her happy? No mother would ever want to bury their children. I guess she wants to make that wish come true for her mum. If only she had kept her end of the bargain the last time and clear all his debt in exchange for the house and not have been so petty about what her brother had said. It is a fair barter. It is not like the amount he owes is greater then the cost of the house. As a matter of fact, the amount he owes most probably is almost equal to the amount he have chipped in for the house up till now. 


I'm so stressed and depressed about his situation. Stressed that he might really break under all the pressure and fear he is going through, depressed that there is nothing i can do to help him anymore. I have been helping him since he left his last job. I voluntarily gave him money when he needed it and not expecting him to pay me back, even if it meant eating cheap for the rest of the month and scraping by till my next payday, but i can't help him anymore because i don't have a regular paying job anymore now that i am studying. I give him what i can whenever i can.  Even up till now, i force myself to get a part time paying job, when i could have been doing voluntary work to make my resume look better for future job prospect, just so i can help him, even if its just a small amount. But his own family, just stand by and watch him fall, not even willing to help him anymore. As family, should we really be so calculative about how many times we should help each other? Since they choose to be so calculative, if the bank ever wants to take dear's share of the house to clear his debt, then so be it. I'm not going to help them anymore, because i feel they kind of deserve it for not helping their own son and brother. If he had accumulated those debts because he is an alcoholic or that he have a gambling addiction, i would not blame them for not helping, but the thing is now he is having a hard time to find a job because the job market isn't good and he is unable to pay his bills and they are not willing to help. All he needed was some financial help to tide over till he gets a job. There are understandable situations where one should and should not help, they obviously can't tell the difference. His mum doesn't want to sell the house and downgrade i still can understand, but she won't even let him rent out his sister's under utilized room to help him tide through till he gets a job. They are not even willing to give him those options to help him a little.

Everyday i'm worried to wake up to hear my boyfriend is dead at the foot of his block or dead from overdose in his room. I don't ever want the experience of having to bury my own boyfriend. I'm so dead worried about it everyday and yet his own family don't seem to be in the least bit worried or even care if he ever takes his own life! I'm really at my wit end. I do not know what to do to help him anymore. As much as i do not want to see him fail, the only thing i can do is to be there for him when he does and hope that it is enough to make him not kill himself. 

Why is God so unfair? He made me go through the worst heartbreak and betrayal in my life, and just when i thought things couldn't get any worse, he makes me go through even more hardship and pain, while the person who hurt me so deeply before gets to move on in his life and live a relatively comfortable one. Where is the justice in that? What did i do to deserve all of these? Do i deserve nothing good in my life to happen to me? 

Dear God, why?

Seriously..

I don't get why some parents, especially those that are not very educated, go around telling their friends and relatives about all the bad stuff about their children. Like, don't they realise that in doing so, they are kind of announcing to the whole world about their failure as a parent? If your child ends up getting in trouble or doing something wrong, it is the parent's fault as well and not entirely the child's fault. Yes, it is the child's fault for making that mistake, but it is the fault of the parent for failing to give the proper guidance and education to the child that ended up having the child make the wrong decisions and choices.

And shouldn't parents try to encourage, support and motivate their children for them to succeed in life? Then what is the purpose of them going around telling other people everything negative about their child? is that suppose to motivate them? Some parents seriously need to reflect on themselves, because at the end of the day, it is their actions that influences the child in every aspects of their lives.

Closing on another chapter in my life.. Awaiting a new and hopefully better chapter..=)

Yay! I managed to lose 2kg in the past week or so. Happy! Quite happy with my weight now, 48kg! Going to try and maintain it  at 48kg. =D

Another week and 2 days and I will no longer be in the company anymore. Quite happy cause I don’t need to do shit job anymore, sad cause I will miss the friends I’ve made there dearly. =( But hopefully, if I do study Psychology at MDIS, I will be able to meet up with them still cause the campus is near the office. I have already got confirmation from MDIS that I got in for the September intake. I’m about 70% confirmed that I will most probably be going back to studies after my contract ends. In the mean time, I am going to try volunteering at IMH or somewhere to get a feel of the job to be sure that that will be a job I want to do for the rest of my life! Don’t want anymore mistakes and wasted time. Just want to go full speed ahead with my future career and life.

Dear is out of job again. He left his last job just a few days ago. I’m worried, worried about money, worried about him being able to make payments on time, worried that history will repeat itself. I do not want to go through that difficult period again! =( He said he will go get a part time job in the mean time. Hopefully he will be able to find one soon. I do not want to touch too much into my completion bonus. Want to save it for our phuket trip in July! But I’ve just got to have faith in him that he will take care of things.

The company was quite horrible. I think I have spoken about it before in one of my previous entry. The last straw came when his GM was making life difficult for him. Calling him and telling him he should be at suntec convention hall at 8am for some seminar, but when he rushed down, it turns out to be a road show and he went unprepared cause his GM did not inform him about bring anything. This was like one of the many few times his GM have tried to ‘sarboh’ him already. Another time was when he asked dear to ask around to see how many people will be going for this talk on a certain date, but the GM did not confirm with him the time. He asked his GM a few times before to confirm the timing, but he never confirm with him. And then one day he just asked how many people were going. Dear haven’t even asked yet because that stupid GM didn’t confirm timing. How can you ask people to confirm with you if they will be going for a talk if you never let them know the timing? What happens if the talk is after working hours and people have already made plans? The way they run the company is really stupid. When payday came, he only received less then half of what they promised him. No matter how he tried to calculate, he could not derive the amount they had given to him. Everybody else’s pay in the company were also short by a lot. And worse thing is, they refuse to give everybody a payslip, saying that they don’t do payslip. Really shady company, so dishonest, underpay their workers and still expect them to give them results. If any of you get a call from a company called ‘Acsendo Consulting Pte Ltd’ for a job interview for whatever position, do not go. They are a scam and a very dishonest company. Dear was given a Senior Marketing Manager position, but his job scope was nothing close to that. He was practically doing sales everyday and going out to meet clients. I told him to leave if he didn’t like the job, because I felt that if they were going to pay him less then half every month, then it’s no point. It will just be as good as going back to square one. Pay is such an important thing to everyone, because everyone needs to eat, needs to pay bills. Who will be willing to work for you when you constantly cut their pay for no reason or for any reason that isn’t even substantial enough?

Anyways, I can’t wait for July! Can’t wait to go on our 1^st ever overseas trip! It’s going to be perfect! =D

CLEO runway search 2011!

Last week has been a pretty exciting and nerve-wreaking week for me. I was shortlisted as one of the 15 finalist in CLEO’s runway search. The whole experience have been really special and it gave me an inside experience of what it is like to be a runway model. I was really delighted and surprised when CLEO called back to inform me that I was selected for the finals. I totally couldn’t believe it; I wasn’t even expecting their call because I thought that I had screwed up my auditions.

You could imagine my jubilations on hearing I got into the finals, but after an hour or so that went by, by jubilations turned into fear and nervousness. I was worried I would trip and fumble on the runway and the horrors if I actually fell on stage and every seconds of my fall captured on camera like a slow frame-by-frame movie!

After that, it was just nerve wreaking thought after nerve wreaking thought because I wasn’t the most confident on heels. I rarely wear heels because I was already tall enough, according to a lot of people, without them, plus the fact that I don’t really have any official training or experience on how to catwalk on the runway.

My nerves were slightly soothed when I received a call back from CLEO informing me on the photo shoot, training, fitting and rehearsal dates. TRAINING! Thank God there’s training!

DAY 1: Photo shoot

I was pretty excited about it! You know how all girls are, just like getting a make over and taking pretty pictures. I admit, I am no different in that area. =P My one concern was that I didn’t know how to pose and move to get the right angle for the camera and was hoping the cameraman would be really nice to guide me and try to take the best shots of me. The hair and make up part was really nice. The make up artist was really, really good. However, the photo shoot was not as glamorous as I thought it would be. I was told to do a short catwalk towards the camera (Crap! I don’t know how to catwalk!) in 4 inch heels (that were not very fitting and I felt like falling at every step!), I tried a few times and failed miserably. I kept tripping, I didn’t know if it was me or the shoes, but GOSH it was embarrassing! The spot lights were really hot as well and I was sweating like mad. And throughout my whole ordeal, a camera was filming everything down. As usual, after my photo shoot, I felt really lousy and was praying really hard the ‘tripping’ video of me would not go viral. However, I told myself I would work really hard during the 2 sessions of training to improve on my walk.

DAY 1: Training (night time)

Training was at Carrie models office. I was psyched up to be really attentive and hardworking during class. Turns out there is so much more to a catwalk then just walking up and down, doing a few turns and posing. Surprisingly, a catwalk can be just as complex as playing golf. =/ You need to know which leg to start of with, which way to turn, how the place your feet when posing so that you do not lose balance and how to pose so that you will look shapely and tall. I was almost overwhelmed by the end of the class. I knew I needed more practice.

DAY 2: Fitting

I started the day feeling excited about fitting. However, the whole experience turned out to be rather horrible. The person in charge of us was being really rude and arrogant, treating all of us like pieces of meat to be slapped around. I thought fitting would be about finding a dress / clothes that fit our body shape and getting in our correct sizes. What they did was try to best fit the clothes that they brought to whoever could fit them best and using safety pins to tighten clothes that were too big. Even if the shoes were too big for our feet, in my case, 2 sizes too big, we still had to wear them and walk in them. That got me very worried and increased my fears of falling on the runway. Not pleasant at all. I think if we were more well-known and famous, we would have been treated with more respect. =/ Saw a bit of the not so nice side of modeling.

DAY 3: Training session 2

I was geared up and ready to show our trainer how much I have improved with the practices I have been doing when I could. Everything was much better then the first time and we were thrown more things to learn. Needed to go back and practice some more. Saw Singapore’s Top model, Shelia Sim before the start of the class, she was at Carrie models for an interview, I’m guessing it was for the Audi Fashion Festival since she was the face for the event. Some of the girls got excited about it, I didn’t know her name then, have only seen her face on magazines, so I was totally clueless. 0_0

DAY 4:

Finally a day of rest! But I did some practicing to increase my confidence on the runway.

DAY 5: Rehearsal from 9pm-11pm

Pretty excited about it. Was rather fun and I realized the song choice for the runway is so important cause it helps you to walk better if you follow the beat of the song. However, saw the ugly side of professional models. They are really stuck up and unfriendly as people say they are. Of the whole group of about 20 of them, only 1 was friendly enough to smile at us.

DAY 6: Actual Event

As much as I dislike them professional models’ attitude, I still have a certain level of respect for them. Their ability to look confident while walking down a runway in front of hundreds and something thousands of people. Everybody was at the tent at 12pm and already people were hustling and bustling before we arrived due to events packed before ours. From 12-5pm was all just a mad rush of getting our hair, make up and wardrobe done to perfection. When the time of the start of our event arrived, we were all waiting back stage at our starting positions getting ready to strut our stuff on the runway. It was the most nerve wreaking, butterflies-fluttering-in-the-stomach moment ever! But thank goodness everything went pretty smoothly and I didn’t not stumble nor fall on the runway. The real experience itself was pretty liberating I must say. =)

Overall, it was an experience of a lifetime, especially on the actual day itself. =) It may have been a short one week of preparations and hard work, but I met some really nice people, learnt a lot of new things and it is an experience I will never forget. I’m awaiting for the new issue of CLEO, don’t know if I’ll have my pictures in the magazine, but I hope to be able to get print outs of the photos taken at the photo shoot to keep as memories.

http://audifashionfestival.com/Site/photogallery5

For those who are interested, there are 2 photos of me on the Audi fashion festival website. The pictures are pretty alright, though I’m still not 100% satisfied with them because my eyes were being really uncooperative that day (like one big one small), but doesn’t matter, a few pictures is till better then none. =)

Really touched by all the support from my friends, colleague and my dear throughout this whole experience. They kept encouraging me and edging me on. Let's just say i am not the most confident person in the world, so i'm really glad to have them there to support me. =)

Love ya'll deep deep!

I think this is the end. There is most likely no chance for me to stay on in the company. As much as i do not want to, it is sad to say good bye too all my lovely colleagues, but i believe God must have better plans for me. I really hope my next step and decision will be a better and right one.

Dear God, I am putting my trust and faith in you now.

Heart don't fail me now, courage don't desert me.

Just sharing some great quotes I have been reading:

“ A beautiful face and great body will never substitute for an ugly attitude and a hateful heart”

“ Ladies: Showing a great amount of skin when you dress up isn’t the way to find Prince Charming. Prince Charming likes his gifts wrapped.”

“ You got to hurt in order to know, fall in order to grow, lose in order to gain, because most of life’s lessons are learned because of pain.”

“ During bad times when things get worst it only means you’re closer to a breakthrough. Things sometimes get worst before they get better.”

“ Don’t allow yourself to wake up with yesterday’s issues troubling your mind. Refuse to live backwards, see everyday as a new chapter.”

The 3rd quote have got to be one I agree with the most. It is what I have always been telling people and what I live by. Though many of us hate experiencing hurt, suffering and pain, it is really what will make us stronger. That is why I always find people who constantly choose to let themselves drown in their own sorrows and wallow in self-pity are exactly the kind of people who are not strong mentally and are most of the time immature. I’m not saying you can’t cry, be depressed or feel sad, you can, but pick yourself up afterwards and move on. Don’t depend on your friends all the time to pick up the pieces for you because you will never learn anything that way.

I’m really glad for everything that happened. From a failed relationship, to finding new one and going through really tough times, because everything that happened have helped me to become a stronger and better person. I am really grateful to God for everything. For showing me all the support and love I have all around me.

As for the fourth quote, I really hope things will get even better for me and dear soon. Don’t get me wrong, things have improved a little, but more is needed to get better.

Anyways, I’m a little brain dead today. So just going to end here. Hee..