When i restarted my blog, it was in hopes that things i write down will be happier and better. Instead, everything is going downhill and i don't know what to do anymore.
My own personal life is still alright, i have gone back to studying to get a degree in a field that i have an interest in and also as a promise to my mum to get a degree. With all that is happening, it made me realize just how lucky and fortunate i am to have parents that support me in my studies, pay for my school fees and give me allowance so that i do not have to worry about finances. Even though i am working part time now, i did not need to, i chose to work part time because i do not want to burden my mum further with having to provide my monthly allowance and also to help my dear financially. I am grateful enough that she is willing to pay for my studies and i am going to work hard to not let her down and regret paying for my studies. I still have my close friends and new good friends from Toshiba who are all there for me if i need them and i'm really grateful to have them in my life.
The person i am most worried about is my dear. He is still unable to get a job even though he have been trying really hard to find one. I do not know what will happen next month, i only know it will not be good if he still can't get a job. He hasn't been getting enough sleep because he can't stop worrying about the next day. He is so sleep deprived and stressed out about things that he is even thinking about ending his life so that his debt problem will be gone. He actually thinks ending his life will make people happy! Most of his friends have turn their backs to him when he asked for help (people who know him should know that he is a very prideful person and asking for help is one he would rather not do) and those were people that he have helped before, only a small handful offered help and they weren't even the rich ones. Now i know, rich people are the last people you should ask help from. In future, i will never offer help to rich people, because they will never return the favor if you ever needed help next time, they won't even reply your messages.
The worst is his own family members! I have never been to disgusted by anybody in my whole life before, but his sister managed to accomplish that. All his stupid sister ever focus on is all the wrongs he have done in the past. It so typical of unreasonable & seriously stupid people to only focus on the negative when things go bad. I don't really blame his mum by being misguided by his sister because his sister is as manipulative as the government, maybe even worse. Putting all those wrong thinking into their mum's head. She tells bullshit like how he never contributed to the house, how he never put in a single cent since the first day they got the house. Do we really need to get hdb to print the house transaction, laminate it and paste it on the wall somewhere for her and their mum to see that he did contribute? Unless she is so dumb not to know that CPF happens to be money as well? And what about all the PUB, electricity, conservancy and cable bills? He have been paying for them most of the time since they moved into the house. He only missed the payment by like 2 months when she came back to Singapore and she talked like he haven't paid them for a year. And what about the nonsense about her own brother not wanting to work and only wants to live off their mum? Your brother is so much smarter then you. Would he invest in such a stupid plan when he will obviously outlive his own mother? Goes to show the kind of thinking uneducated people have.
Would seeing her brother dead make her happy? No mother would ever want to bury their children. I guess she wants to make that wish come true for her mum. If only she had kept her end of the bargain the last time and clear all his debt in exchange for the house and not have been so petty about what her brother had said. It is a fair barter. It is not like the amount he owes is greater then the cost of the house. As a matter of fact, the amount he owes most probably is almost equal to the amount he have chipped in for the house up till now.
I'm so stressed and depressed about his situation. Stressed that he might really break under all the pressure and fear he is going through, depressed that there is nothing i can do to help him anymore. I have been helping him since he left his last job. I voluntarily gave him money when he needed it and not expecting him to pay me back, even if it meant eating cheap for the rest of the month and scraping by till my next payday, but i can't help him anymore because i don't have a regular paying job anymore now that i am studying. I give him what i can whenever i can. Even up till now, i force myself to get a part time paying job, when i could have been doing voluntary work to make my resume look better for future job prospect, just so i can help him, even if its just a small amount. But his own family, just stand by and watch him fall, not even willing to help him anymore. As family, should we really be so calculative about how many times we should help each other? Since they choose to be so calculative, if the bank ever wants to take dear's share of the house to clear his debt, then so be it. I'm not going to help them anymore, because i feel they kind of deserve it for not helping their own son and brother. If he had accumulated those debts because he is an alcoholic or that he have a gambling addiction, i would not blame them for not helping, but the thing is now he is having a hard time to find a job because the job market isn't good and he is unable to pay his bills and they are not willing to help. All he needed was some financial help to tide over till he gets a job. There are understandable situations where one should and should not help, they obviously can't tell the difference. His mum doesn't want to sell the house and downgrade i still can understand, but she won't even let him rent out his sister's under utilized room to help him tide through till he gets a job. They are not even willing to give him those options to help him a little.
I'm so stressed and depressed about his situation. Stressed that he might really break under all the pressure and fear he is going through, depressed that there is nothing i can do to help him anymore. I have been helping him since he left his last job. I voluntarily gave him money when he needed it and not expecting him to pay me back, even if it meant eating cheap for the rest of the month and scraping by till my next payday, but i can't help him anymore because i don't have a regular paying job anymore now that i am studying. I give him what i can whenever i can. Even up till now, i force myself to get a part time paying job, when i could have been doing voluntary work to make my resume look better for future job prospect, just so i can help him, even if its just a small amount. But his own family, just stand by and watch him fall, not even willing to help him anymore. As family, should we really be so calculative about how many times we should help each other? Since they choose to be so calculative, if the bank ever wants to take dear's share of the house to clear his debt, then so be it. I'm not going to help them anymore, because i feel they kind of deserve it for not helping their own son and brother. If he had accumulated those debts because he is an alcoholic or that he have a gambling addiction, i would not blame them for not helping, but the thing is now he is having a hard time to find a job because the job market isn't good and he is unable to pay his bills and they are not willing to help. All he needed was some financial help to tide over till he gets a job. There are understandable situations where one should and should not help, they obviously can't tell the difference. His mum doesn't want to sell the house and downgrade i still can understand, but she won't even let him rent out his sister's under utilized room to help him tide through till he gets a job. They are not even willing to give him those options to help him a little.
Everyday i'm worried to wake up to hear my boyfriend is dead at the foot of his block or dead from overdose in his room. I don't ever want the experience of having to bury my own boyfriend. I'm so dead worried about it everyday and yet his own family don't seem to be in the least bit worried or even care if he ever takes his own life! I'm really at my wit end. I do not know what to do to help him anymore. As much as i do not want to see him fail, the only thing i can do is to be there for him when he does and hope that it is enough to make him not kill himself.
Why is God so unfair? He made me go through the worst heartbreak and betrayal in my life, and just when i thought things couldn't get any worse, he makes me go through even more hardship and pain, while the person who hurt me so deeply before gets to move on in his life and live a relatively comfortable one. Where is the justice in that? What did i do to deserve all of these? Do i deserve nothing good in my life to happen to me?
Dear God, why?
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