It's been a long time... but i have plenty to be grateful for.. =)

Wow.. the last time i wrote something was actually more then 6 months back.. haha.. decided to write this post because i've got so much on my mind that i need to get out & i can't sleep even though i need to wake at 10am later and it is already 3.32am now.. Not even sure where to begin..

Ok.. i will be taking a step back in the past again and may repeat some stuff i may have mentioned before in some of my previous posts, so just be patient with me ya? I will also be revealing some thing that only my closest friends know about because i feel that it is ok to share my experience and thoughts about it now.. I don't really care what people may say or think about me after i post this, but i hope that this post will in some way help others who are at their lowest right now and may be seeking some answers or comfort from wherever..

More than two years have passed since the break up with my ex-boyfriend and that i have to say, was the lowest i have ever been in my entire life.. I have never felt so horrible, so ugly, so betrayed and so unwanted my whole life.. even when my best friend in secondary school abandoned me to be with the popular kids and when my parents treated me like i was the enemy because i didn't listened to them, i have never felt as horrible as when that break up happened.. Initially, i was in shock, couldn't comprehend what had just happened to me, why God had allowed me to get hurt that way and why my ex-boyfriend had to betray me that way. I felt so unloved, so unwanted and just wanted to purposely do things to waste myself away.

After the initial shock and numbness had passed, i felt a great sense of hatred and betrayal for my ex-boyfriend. I felt that he had played me like a fool, made me look like some crazy person and him the victim. He played the same betrayal, that he played on his ex-girlfriend before me, onto me.. Actually i kind of pity him now, his choice of girlfriend just gets worse and worse.. Yes, i do find i am a poorer choice as compared to his girlfriend before me.. I do feel his girlfriend before me was a much better person than i am, not only because she was able to forgive me for what i did to her, but she is also known to all of her friends as a very kind and caring person, and i do not doubt their words because i don't see how a girl who loves animals and kids so much could not be kind and caring. When i had interfered with her relationship, it made me no better than my ex-boyfriend's current girlfriend.. i was only 16 when i first met my ex-boyfriend, i was still young and naive.. during my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, when i learnt of the pain and hurt i had caused his ex-girlfriend, i did feel bad about it and was rather regretful of my actions.. If i had known what i know now, that my ex-boyfriend was a damn liar and was so clever at cooking up stories to cover up for his cheating ways, i would have let him go back then, even before i got together with him.. However, i feel that my ex-boyfriend's current girlfriend is an even more horrible person than me because one thing is for sure, she isn't some young girl who doesn't know any better when he first met her, in fact, i think she is older than me.. Second, she felt no remorse or guilt about tearing our relationship apart, even when i had begged her to leave him alone and let him think about things.. to me, she is naive and in a way dumb, because she chose to believe in all his lies and really felt that it was love when he told her that he liked her even though he himself was confused about what he wanted then.. So ya, i wish him good luck, cause i doubt a girl like that could actually be an improvement.. 

Anyways, when the numbness disappeared and the full feelings of hurt, betrayal and hate hit me, I tried finding comfort in my friends, but felt little comfort when i realized how my relationship had caused me to end up with hardly any friends. So i tried to go out as much as possible, not only to keep myself from going insane, but also to open myself up to knowing more people and that was also when i got to know this guy S..  

S was a friend of one of my girlfriend's boyfriend. When he first started talking to me online, it was pretty obvious that he was only after a physical relationship, but the me then obviously couldn't care less.. he knew that i had just gotten out of a relationship and wasn't gentlemen enough to not take advantage of me in my vulnerable state.. but i don't blame him or hate him for it cause he didn't treat me badly in any way and had made it quite clear to me that he wasn't in it for a committed relationship, so my expectations for that relationship wasn't much.. Being totally broken and desperate to feel loved by someone, even if it meant just a physical kind of love, i jumped right in. Yes, that was how much i was hurting back then.. That was also when  i decided that i didn't want to be in any serious relationships anymore and that all my future relationships with guys would be physical and nothing else. Lucky for me, that fling with S didn't last long and he was the only fling i had.. I would most probably have carried out that plan of mine if my current boyfriend hadn't stepped into the picture and saved me from totally destroying my self-worth. 

Even though my situation now still isn't very ideal, i am still thankful to God and to all that bad shit that happened to me, for if it wasn't for God who made things happened the way they did, i would never have met my current boyfriend and i wouldn't be who i am and where i am today. Even though the break up and events that followed after left a deep scar in my soul, i am grateful and thankful for the lessons it taught me. It taught me to appreciate my family and friends better, and also helped me to learn to love myself a little more.. I started to open myself up to people and became more friendly and outgoing, and now, i have more close friends then i have ever had.. And i am so grateful for each and every one of them.. 

I am also grateful for the difficult trials that God placed on my current relationship, as they taught me to be loyal and strong for my partner.. I learnt what it really meant to stay together through the good and the bad.. It made me realize that many couples out there don't really know what true love and a true relationship is because they have not gone through the worse kinds of situation and made it.. Many have only been through petty arguments and small little set backs, and for some, that was enough to break their relationship.. That is one of the reasons why i am proud and so sure of my current relationship, we have been through worse weather than most others and lived through it.. It is safe to say, our bond and love for one another is stronger than most couples out there.. Sometimes, my boyfriend may be a little harsh on me, but i am grateful for it because i know he does it to make me a better person, and i have become a better person, which is what a great relationship should also be about - making you a better person. Though our shitty situation now is mostly because of my boyfriend's past stupidity, he knows his mistake and is trying very hard to correct it and make things better, that is why i do not hold it against him and stood by him (and still standing by him) through all those difficult times.. When i put my faith and trust in God that he allowed my previous relationship to end because he had someone better in mind for me, he didn't disappoint me.. So i am still going to put my trust in God and believe that all the shit that happened thus far are just necessary steps that need to be taken for things to get better.. =)

Another thing i am grateful for, for all those bad things that happened to me, is that without it, i would not have made the choice of getting a degree to better my future.. i am grateful to my mum for supporting me in my studies and to God for guiding me and giving me a chance to study something that i have a passion and interest in.. The road to graduating is going to be tough, but i am prepared to work hard to get there.. 

So yea.. Basically, all the shit that my ex-boyfriend did to me and made me go through ended up giving me a lot of things to be grateful for.. Though there are still days when i hate him to the core and wish nothing but the worse for him, i am for most part grateful to him.. I am happier then i ever was and look better as well.. =D

I guess at the end of the day, i just want people to know that who you are is determined by how you want to look at things.. if you choose to look at the positive side of things, it will make you a stronger person and vice versa.. Everything will happen in due course and when God feels the time is right..