Just needed to dump some things that was on my mind today

I haven't written in my blog in a long time, but i'm writing here because i have something on my mind that i want to get off & i don't want to bother my friends about it.. Also, because it's about my ex, i don't want people to think i'm still hung up on him, which is not the truth at all, just to prove that i am not hung up on him still, recently the company he partnered with his friends opened an outlet very near my place. While i was taking bus to town one day, i happened to look up and out of the window when the bus was passing their shop, i saw him in the shop for that few seconds that the bus passed by. All i felt was disgust & repulsion. So yeah, that is prove enough i am not hung up on him.. Anyways, back to the point of why i am writing this post. It is just that i realized something today and i just want to get it off my mind..

Well, from information received from people, he owns two businesses with 2 friends now.. One is an interior design company & the other, some hair salon. What i just realized today was that these were actually  ideas i told him about years ago when i was still with him.. I can even remember roughly the events that happened when i told him those ideas as well.. Though the interior design company he is in today wasn't the same company we spoke of then, but the idea was the same, even the friend who he is partnered with in the company is still the same person.. I'm guessing the previous company his friend owned with another guy just didn't work out, so he most probably moved on to partnering someone else for the business. I remember the first time i told him to try & talk to his friend about being a partner in the firm was when he told me about how two of his friends started a firm together. He was no doubt envious cause he have been wanting for the longest time to be his own boss.. So that was when i asked him to talk to them about being a partner.. I dont remember why exactly he didn't go about doing it, but one of the reasons was money & also the main reason was that he was still under contract with the navy.

His other hair salon business is also a franchised business of his that same friend.. I remember telling him this idea after i spoke to his friend at a club, during one of his other friend's birthday party celebration, while having a smoke with him at the smoking room.. We were having a conversation on what he is doing and he told me about how he owns a hair salon business in Malaysia (which he most probably opened for his wife cause she is a hairdresser and she is malaysian). I remember telling my ex to consider franchising his friend's hair salon business in Singapore since it hasn't opened it first outlet here yet.. But yet again, i don't really know why he didn't go about doing it but the reasons were most probably the same as the above.

And now he has done both ideas that i suggested to him before. And i wouldn't even be the least bit surprised that he thinks all those ideas came from his own brain.. The idea most probably just stuck in his mind somewhere, but he most probably has no clue where and how the idea came about.. So yeah, he most probably thinks he the genius who thought of it. Yup, a successful genius riding off his friend's businesses. Any rich bloke who has the money can franchise any brand, name or company. So it really was a no-brainer kind of business venture. Plus, he was the genius who came up with the awful idea of selling customized fire extinguisher..  

Don't get me wrong, it doesn't affect me anymore how well his life is going.. I used to get really upset hearing how well his life is going now, while my life is really crappy and why isn't he getting the karma he deserves.. but i'm quite over that already cause who is to say what the future will hold? The future is not here yet and really, anything is possible. Who is to say his life won't turn to shit in future? And even if it doesn't turn to shit, who is to say my life won't be better then his in future? Anyways, as the saying goes, "the higher they climb, the harder they fall." 

=/

Heard some sickening news, though i'm still not 100% sure how accurate it is..


Dear's mum was making ngoh hiang again today.. And she was making buttloads of it.. So i asked her why she making so many for and i think i heard her say something about Dear's sister coming back to take some home. I wasn't sure if i heard it correctly cause she was mumbling. But i straight away sian to the max.. =/


Even though now she hardly comes back to Singapore, but i still hate it everytime she is back.. From my past post, you should understand why i dislike her so much.. 


I'm not trying to be petty here, but i really feel she owes me an apology.. she was so heartless towards her own brother when he was at his lowest and was contemplating going to the loansharks or even suicide.. Being 13 years my senior i was expecting her to behave more like an adult than me, but instead she acted like a child.. screaming and lashing out at her brother, demanding him to do as she says and then subsequently me when i told her off for behaving the way she did, treating her own brother like a criminal and continuously poking at him even though he was trying his best to right his wrong and just tolerate and give in to her poisonous words.. not only that, she also told their mum a lot of rubbish to get her on her side, like what kindergarden kids do.. I would have expected more of a reasonable and calm talk, than what she had done.. True, what dear did was wrong, it was a mistake and he was adult enough to admit his mistakes.. but that does not mean she had the right to treat him like dirt.. 


In fact, if me and Chris gets married, i don't even want her at my wedding. I will send an invite, but i will leave a note saying i would rather she not attend.  


I can never forgive her unless she apologies to me and Chris..

It's been a long time... but i have plenty to be grateful for.. =)

Wow.. the last time i wrote something was actually more then 6 months back.. haha.. decided to write this post because i've got so much on my mind that i need to get out & i can't sleep even though i need to wake at 10am later and it is already 3.32am now.. Not even sure where to begin..

Ok.. i will be taking a step back in the past again and may repeat some stuff i may have mentioned before in some of my previous posts, so just be patient with me ya? I will also be revealing some thing that only my closest friends know about because i feel that it is ok to share my experience and thoughts about it now.. I don't really care what people may say or think about me after i post this, but i hope that this post will in some way help others who are at their lowest right now and may be seeking some answers or comfort from wherever..

More than two years have passed since the break up with my ex-boyfriend and that i have to say, was the lowest i have ever been in my entire life.. I have never felt so horrible, so ugly, so betrayed and so unwanted my whole life.. even when my best friend in secondary school abandoned me to be with the popular kids and when my parents treated me like i was the enemy because i didn't listened to them, i have never felt as horrible as when that break up happened.. Initially, i was in shock, couldn't comprehend what had just happened to me, why God had allowed me to get hurt that way and why my ex-boyfriend had to betray me that way. I felt so unloved, so unwanted and just wanted to purposely do things to waste myself away.

After the initial shock and numbness had passed, i felt a great sense of hatred and betrayal for my ex-boyfriend. I felt that he had played me like a fool, made me look like some crazy person and him the victim. He played the same betrayal, that he played on his ex-girlfriend before me, onto me.. Actually i kind of pity him now, his choice of girlfriend just gets worse and worse.. Yes, i do find i am a poorer choice as compared to his girlfriend before me.. I do feel his girlfriend before me was a much better person than i am, not only because she was able to forgive me for what i did to her, but she is also known to all of her friends as a very kind and caring person, and i do not doubt their words because i don't see how a girl who loves animals and kids so much could not be kind and caring. When i had interfered with her relationship, it made me no better than my ex-boyfriend's current girlfriend.. i was only 16 when i first met my ex-boyfriend, i was still young and naive.. during my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, when i learnt of the pain and hurt i had caused his ex-girlfriend, i did feel bad about it and was rather regretful of my actions.. If i had known what i know now, that my ex-boyfriend was a damn liar and was so clever at cooking up stories to cover up for his cheating ways, i would have let him go back then, even before i got together with him.. However, i feel that my ex-boyfriend's current girlfriend is an even more horrible person than me because one thing is for sure, she isn't some young girl who doesn't know any better when he first met her, in fact, i think she is older than me.. Second, she felt no remorse or guilt about tearing our relationship apart, even when i had begged her to leave him alone and let him think about things.. to me, she is naive and in a way dumb, because she chose to believe in all his lies and really felt that it was love when he told her that he liked her even though he himself was confused about what he wanted then.. So ya, i wish him good luck, cause i doubt a girl like that could actually be an improvement.. 

Anyways, when the numbness disappeared and the full feelings of hurt, betrayal and hate hit me, I tried finding comfort in my friends, but felt little comfort when i realized how my relationship had caused me to end up with hardly any friends. So i tried to go out as much as possible, not only to keep myself from going insane, but also to open myself up to knowing more people and that was also when i got to know this guy S..  

S was a friend of one of my girlfriend's boyfriend. When he first started talking to me online, it was pretty obvious that he was only after a physical relationship, but the me then obviously couldn't care less.. he knew that i had just gotten out of a relationship and wasn't gentlemen enough to not take advantage of me in my vulnerable state.. but i don't blame him or hate him for it cause he didn't treat me badly in any way and had made it quite clear to me that he wasn't in it for a committed relationship, so my expectations for that relationship wasn't much.. Being totally broken and desperate to feel loved by someone, even if it meant just a physical kind of love, i jumped right in. Yes, that was how much i was hurting back then.. That was also when  i decided that i didn't want to be in any serious relationships anymore and that all my future relationships with guys would be physical and nothing else. Lucky for me, that fling with S didn't last long and he was the only fling i had.. I would most probably have carried out that plan of mine if my current boyfriend hadn't stepped into the picture and saved me from totally destroying my self-worth. 

Even though my situation now still isn't very ideal, i am still thankful to God and to all that bad shit that happened to me, for if it wasn't for God who made things happened the way they did, i would never have met my current boyfriend and i wouldn't be who i am and where i am today. Even though the break up and events that followed after left a deep scar in my soul, i am grateful and thankful for the lessons it taught me. It taught me to appreciate my family and friends better, and also helped me to learn to love myself a little more.. I started to open myself up to people and became more friendly and outgoing, and now, i have more close friends then i have ever had.. And i am so grateful for each and every one of them.. 

I am also grateful for the difficult trials that God placed on my current relationship, as they taught me to be loyal and strong for my partner.. I learnt what it really meant to stay together through the good and the bad.. It made me realize that many couples out there don't really know what true love and a true relationship is because they have not gone through the worse kinds of situation and made it.. Many have only been through petty arguments and small little set backs, and for some, that was enough to break their relationship.. That is one of the reasons why i am proud and so sure of my current relationship, we have been through worse weather than most others and lived through it.. It is safe to say, our bond and love for one another is stronger than most couples out there.. Sometimes, my boyfriend may be a little harsh on me, but i am grateful for it because i know he does it to make me a better person, and i have become a better person, which is what a great relationship should also be about - making you a better person. Though our shitty situation now is mostly because of my boyfriend's past stupidity, he knows his mistake and is trying very hard to correct it and make things better, that is why i do not hold it against him and stood by him (and still standing by him) through all those difficult times.. When i put my faith and trust in God that he allowed my previous relationship to end because he had someone better in mind for me, he didn't disappoint me.. So i am still going to put my trust in God and believe that all the shit that happened thus far are just necessary steps that need to be taken for things to get better.. =)

Another thing i am grateful for, for all those bad things that happened to me, is that without it, i would not have made the choice of getting a degree to better my future.. i am grateful to my mum for supporting me in my studies and to God for guiding me and giving me a chance to study something that i have a passion and interest in.. The road to graduating is going to be tough, but i am prepared to work hard to get there.. 

So yea.. Basically, all the shit that my ex-boyfriend did to me and made me go through ended up giving me a lot of things to be grateful for.. Though there are still days when i hate him to the core and wish nothing but the worse for him, i am for most part grateful to him.. I am happier then i ever was and look better as well.. =D

I guess at the end of the day, i just want people to know that who you are is determined by how you want to look at things.. if you choose to look at the positive side of things, it will make you a stronger person and vice versa.. Everything will happen in due course and when God feels the time is right.. 

A look back on life...

Been a long time since i've updated my blog, as usual, no time, don't feel like updating, blah, blah, blah... 

And as usual, many things have happened and changed. Last i updated, dear got a job and i started studying again. All the assignments and stress that comes with studying have all started. Most probably need to quit my day job to be able to concentrate on my studies and to do well. Quite happy because i got a high distinction on my first subject. Never got a high distinction for anything in my life. 

On a not so happy side note, dear might be losing his job. His boss is too female bias and it is not working out well for him. Actually, it never worked out well for any of the male employees in the company because they always get scolded and blamed for things that isn't their fault, many of them left in the past because of this exact reason. The boss was just too ridiculously female bias and he only listen to the female employees. So dear got seriously sabotaged by the newly employed female supervisor. She is really one hell of a bitch. I think it is because she knows (actually everybody knows) that the boss is very female bias, so she used that to her advantage by bad-mouthing dear a lot to their boss and most probably made up a lot of stories to make dear look incompetent. So much so that even when dear tried to explain the real situation to their boss, he doesn't even want to listen. Talk about a seriously insecure bitch. Good luck to the boss too, because if this is the way he is going to run his business, it will go seriously wrong one day. If he manages to turn his offices into all girl environment, there is going to be a lot of bitching and backstabbing. The kind of environment that can never retain good talents. So here we are, we are back to where we were before, worrying about money.

Though my life now may not be ideal, but i still believe it will get better. Like the Chinese saying goes,"先苦后甜", loosely translated to savor the sweet after the bitter. If we are going through so much hard times now, i believe we will enjoy a lot of sweetness later in life. Though in our relationship, we have gone through more bad times then good, i would not have chosen differently if given another chance to go back in time, because right now, my heart feels the safest it has ever been. I know i will never again have to suffer the same kind of betrayal and hurt that my ex-boyfriend inflicted on me. I'm fortunate to have found someone who loves me, will always stay faithful in a relationship and will not hurt me the way my ex-boyfriend did. When i was with my ex-boyfriend, i always had the fear that he would do the same thing he did to his ex-girlfriend onto me, which was to leave me for another girl, so i let my guard down and chose to trust him and his words of never leaving me and loving me forever, blah, blah, blah. Sadly his promises were all just empty words. I wouldn't be surprised if he have made the same exact promise to his current girlfriend as well, i just wish her all the best and good luck that it isn't the same empty words he gave me as well. It's like they say, a leopard can never change it's spots and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

One thing i was happy to get away from was the expectations of his family, their expectations of always greeting everyone before every meal plus some other things that i don't remember anymore and i also believe till today that his sister never liked me, maybe because i am tall, she is short (i wouldn't be surprise if it was true though, i've had experiences in the past of girls, girls that i hardly talk to, disliking me just cause i was naturally thin and tall. =/ weird world we live in), but whatever it is, i am glad i don't have to live up to those expectations anymore. I never liked it when people expected me to be this or that, basically being who i am not. At least now his girlfriend should be having a easier time fitting in after i left, considering how much i have lowered their expectations. Haa! I'm so glad my dear's mum doesn't have all these stupid expectation, i guess in a way she did influence who he is today, he doesn't put silly expectations on others and so long as they are honest and good people, he is alright with them, but i guess that can be kind of a bad thing as well, cause it makes him too trusting and end up getting backstabbed by people so many times. =/

I just hope that God will see the good qualities in him and give him a chance to right his wrong.

Big changes... I hope it's for the better...

Many things are going to change again.. Sigh.. Big changes this time..

Just a bit of update on what is going on currently..

I've started studying again. Want to get a degree and i hope this time i have finally found my calling in Psychology. I am also working part time as a data entry staff on days that i am not working. I really hate the job, have tried looking for other jobs, but it seems its really hard to find another job that allows you to work as and when you like and still pays pretty well. =/

Dearest have just accepted a job. It is very good news because the job pays well and it is something he really wants to do long term. The only down side is that he will need to be based at KL during the weekdays and will only be able to come back to SG during the weekends and that is only provided he doesn't have anything on during the weekends.

Other then that, the job is pretty good. He is practically working like an expat over there. He will have a house, that the boss of the company bought, to live in, a car to drive there, all travel expenses there and even to travel back and forth to SG are all claimable back from the company and even a shell card will be given to him to pump petrol in SG. The boss even said he might give him a company credit card for him to use should he need to bring clients out for food and drinks. So all he really needs to pay is his bills and food expenses. All these will help greatly in helping him to clear off his debts and may even allow him to finally start saving for the future.

However, because he will need to be stationed in KL, i will need to do more to look after puppy and mylo on top of juggling my studies and work. We have given up on the idea of giving up puppy to someone else to look after because both of us love him too much to even bear the thought of giving him away. So i decided i would travel to his house after work and stay over on certain nights to keep him company and bring him on his regular walks. His mum is asking him to get rid of puppy just cause he won't be around that often, but we are not going to do that. It's not like we are asking her to look after puppy and it is not even an inconvenience since puppy is closed up in dear's bedroom when neither of us are home, so there is no trouble of puppy disturbing her and dirtying the house. Not that puppy would also because he have been toilet trained. Plus, puppy is like our son, she may not be able to relate because to her puppy is just an animal, but i doubt she would give up her children if her own mother had asked her to.

Things would be easier if my dad would just let me keep puppy at home, but my dad just won't allow it and i know that it is very difficult to talk him into it, plus i do not want to add additional stress that my dad will give to my mum, so we have no choice but to go with this arrangement and see how it goes. If my dad is not happy about it then it's too bad. I don't really care. If he can't understand just how important my boys are in my life, then that is his problem.

Well, that is basically the big major change that is going to happen. We will have lesser time together, i will have more responsibilities and lesser time with my friends, but if it is all worth it then i'm willing to do the best that i can to juggle everything and make things work.

Because I Love You So...

I have thought of giving up many times, of leaving you many times. To have back the normal life I used to have, to be able to meet my friends and have a nice meal, watch a movie or even to go clubbing and have drinks without having to think twice about spending money. To not feel guilty about spending money which could be put to better use like helping you clear some of your bills.

To live everyday not feeling stressed and depressed and afraid of what will happen next, to be able to make plans for the future that could be. If only you could just accept what might happen to you and not think of doing stupid things which makes me worry about you, that makes me cry at night and lose sleep over.

I didn't leave, I stayed, it would be selfish of me to leave now when I am the only person who actually give a damn what happens to you, but all the more, I stayed because i love you to much.

So do not be selfish and do things that will hurt me when I'm willing to stand by you through it all.

A Cry For Help... =(

When i restarted my blog, it was in hopes that things i write down will be happier and better. Instead, everything is going downhill and i don't know what to do anymore. 

My own personal life is still alright, i have gone back to studying to get a degree in a field that i have an interest in and also as a promise to my mum to get a degree. With all that is happening, it made me realize just how lucky and fortunate i am to have parents that support me in my studies, pay for my school fees and give me allowance so that i do not have to worry about finances. Even though i am working part time now, i did not need to, i chose to work part time because i do not want to burden my mum further with having to provide my monthly allowance and also to help my dear financially. I am grateful enough that she is willing to pay for my studies and i am going to work hard to not let her down and regret paying for my studies. I still have my close friends and new good friends from Toshiba who are all there for me if i need them and i'm really grateful to have them in my life. 

The person i am most worried about is my dear. He is still unable to get a job even though he have been trying really hard to find one. I do not know what will happen next month, i only know it will not be good if he still can't get a job. He hasn't been getting enough sleep because he can't stop worrying about the next day. He is so sleep deprived and stressed out about things that he is even thinking about ending his life so that his debt problem will be gone. He actually thinks ending his life will make people happy! Most of his friends have turn their backs to him when he asked for help (people who know him should know that he is a very prideful person and asking for help is one he would rather not do) and those were people that he have helped before, only a small handful offered help and they weren't even the rich ones. Now i know, rich people are the last people you should ask help from. In future, i will never offer help to rich people, because they will never return the favor if you ever needed help next time, they won't even reply your messages. 

The worst is his own family members! I have never been to disgusted by anybody in my whole life before, but his sister managed to accomplish that. All his stupid sister ever focus on is all the wrongs he have done in the past. It so typical of unreasonable & seriously stupid people to only focus on the negative when things go bad. I don't really blame his mum by being misguided by his sister because his sister is as manipulative as the government, maybe even worse. Putting all those wrong thinking into their mum's head. She tells bullshit like how he never contributed to the house, how he never put in a single cent since the first day they got the house. Do we really need to get hdb to print the house transaction, laminate it and paste it on the wall somewhere for her and their mum to see that he did contribute? Unless she is so dumb not to know that CPF happens to be money as well? And what about all the PUB, electricity, conservancy and cable bills? He have been paying for them most of the time since they moved into the house. He only missed the payment by like 2 months when she came back to Singapore and she talked like he haven't paid them for a year. And what about the nonsense about her own brother not wanting to work and only wants to live off their mum? Your brother is so much smarter then you. Would he invest in such a stupid plan when he will obviously outlive his own mother? Goes to show the kind of thinking uneducated people have. 

Would seeing her brother dead make her happy? No mother would ever want to bury their children. I guess she wants to make that wish come true for her mum. If only she had kept her end of the bargain the last time and clear all his debt in exchange for the house and not have been so petty about what her brother had said. It is a fair barter. It is not like the amount he owes is greater then the cost of the house. As a matter of fact, the amount he owes most probably is almost equal to the amount he have chipped in for the house up till now. 


I'm so stressed and depressed about his situation. Stressed that he might really break under all the pressure and fear he is going through, depressed that there is nothing i can do to help him anymore. I have been helping him since he left his last job. I voluntarily gave him money when he needed it and not expecting him to pay me back, even if it meant eating cheap for the rest of the month and scraping by till my next payday, but i can't help him anymore because i don't have a regular paying job anymore now that i am studying. I give him what i can whenever i can.  Even up till now, i force myself to get a part time paying job, when i could have been doing voluntary work to make my resume look better for future job prospect, just so i can help him, even if its just a small amount. But his own family, just stand by and watch him fall, not even willing to help him anymore. As family, should we really be so calculative about how many times we should help each other? Since they choose to be so calculative, if the bank ever wants to take dear's share of the house to clear his debt, then so be it. I'm not going to help them anymore, because i feel they kind of deserve it for not helping their own son and brother. If he had accumulated those debts because he is an alcoholic or that he have a gambling addiction, i would not blame them for not helping, but the thing is now he is having a hard time to find a job because the job market isn't good and he is unable to pay his bills and they are not willing to help. All he needed was some financial help to tide over till he gets a job. There are understandable situations where one should and should not help, they obviously can't tell the difference. His mum doesn't want to sell the house and downgrade i still can understand, but she won't even let him rent out his sister's under utilized room to help him tide through till he gets a job. They are not even willing to give him those options to help him a little.

Everyday i'm worried to wake up to hear my boyfriend is dead at the foot of his block or dead from overdose in his room. I don't ever want the experience of having to bury my own boyfriend. I'm so dead worried about it everyday and yet his own family don't seem to be in the least bit worried or even care if he ever takes his own life! I'm really at my wit end. I do not know what to do to help him anymore. As much as i do not want to see him fail, the only thing i can do is to be there for him when he does and hope that it is enough to make him not kill himself. 

Why is God so unfair? He made me go through the worst heartbreak and betrayal in my life, and just when i thought things couldn't get any worse, he makes me go through even more hardship and pain, while the person who hurt me so deeply before gets to move on in his life and live a relatively comfortable one. Where is the justice in that? What did i do to deserve all of these? Do i deserve nothing good in my life to happen to me? 

Dear God, why?