A glimmer of hope.. more good news i really hope.. =)

Finally dear got a job offer! What a big relieve! Don’t know for what position yet and I don’t know if he will take it up also, but it’s a good start and very good news! =)

My life the past few weeks or so have been pretty good. Though, I’m still poor and broke, but I’m happier. Made more friends at work and have been meeting up with my friends as well. It’s all making me cheerier. =) Just hope that my GM will make me an even happier person by offering me the position i am eyeing in the company. I really want to stay in this company I’m working at now. I have made quite a few good friends here and I hope to stay on and strengthen those bonds. Though not by choice, I’ve always never been able to stay at one place long enough to make long, lasting bonds with people I meet and got to know.

Dear God, I just want to say I am grateful for all the things you have given me and my dear and for taking care of us. Please continue to show and guide us through life and help us get jobs that we would love doing and will stay and work in for a long time. =)

Things of the past that never gave me any closure...

Was going through the stuff in my laptop to see what i can get rid of to make more space available in my laptop memory and came across a folder of old smses that i had stored when i changed handphone.. I was looking through the folder to see what i wanted to delete and what i wanted to keep and came across the 4 long smses my ex-boyfriend had sent me almost 4 months after we broke up..

Date: 27.4.2010 Time: 03:57AM

1st SMS:
Hi girl. Dun mean to disturb... Actually i saw ur fb n realise u got attached. Congrats. How's life? Should be good rite! Saw all e photos, chris seems to be a nice guy. To b real honest, when i saw mylo n xiao gua gua pic, i cant lie but say i do miss mylo n xiao gua gua alot but i dun think its possible for us to meet n walk mylo ever, if not later chris kill me. I dunno wats wrong with me but i just cant help n i just cant control my tears when i c e studio shot of mylo pic. Mayb i'm just too happy 4 u cos u moved on or mayb cos of other stuff, i dunno. Knowing that i owe u alot as i had once hurt u so deeply. I'm sorry! I had been wondering if i should msg u all tis 4 e past 3hr. Cos just then i was packing thru my stuff n saw our photos. I cry like fuck la! I dunno y! I tot i moved on. But my tear just kept flowing when i browse thru e photos. All e sweet memories just move me to tears! Mayb its God's will tat things turns out tis way. Cos he know that i'm such a loser. Know wat, mayb i just not meant to succeed in life. All e past plans that i made, i have not even done anything yet! My work life is in such a mess nw! I hate my job, i hate it so much till i get involved in lots of arguement with my bosses. All my past plans dun seems to b a gd investment anymore. Lots of ppl had been putting me down. I dunno y m i tell u tis, but i dunno who can i talk tis to anymore. Peiwen is there to talk to me but i just find tat at times when we understand n talk things, our thinking is just so different. At ti

2nd SMS:
At times, i wish u were there to talk to me as my best friend. Cos no one know me as much as u do, not even my family. Even though nw i often meet up with my frens n family, i just find that they dun know me so well anymore. Kinda sad ah. Enough of me. How abt u? I notice that chris is quite tall ah, u must be happy tat u could wear heels without any prob when u go party. Haha. Guess that was nv a gd idea to b with me 5yr ago. Haha. Oh ya, I'm not here to try to change anything. I really just wan to be very gd fren with u! Cos for a good 5yr of my adult life, no one know me better. Though we r apart nw, guess we still could b frens rite! But dunno if chris or peiwen could take it anot. But if both of them r mature n trusting enough, i believe they could. Wah lao i just realise i'm like forcing u to b fren with me la. Haha. But just nw when i look thru my stuff, there's still alot of ur stuff n things that u do n buy 4 me is still around in my room. Cant bear to throw them away cos those memories are too beautiful! U know wat, Peiwen once browse our photo albums with me n i had to run outside to clean my tears la. So scare she see sia, dunno she will kill me anot. Haha. So weird rite, though it had been so long, but those memories seems to be so fresh when i look thru them. Especially e photo album tat u create which had like a walk thru of our r/s. That one make me cry e most at nite. Nw i really know how bad it feels like. When i saw e photo of u n chris, i cry like fuck, cos my stupid music player was

3rd SMS:
playing the song by Blue: "cruel to e eyes, when i c e way he makes u smile. Cruel to e eyes, watching him hold wat used to me mine. Y did i lie, y did i walk away to find. Y!" wah, e song just came so suddenly lor, it felt like a movie scene. Then i felt like shit. Even though i'm in a r/s with another person, it still hurts, it hurt so freaking much! Then i realise how much suffering i had put u thru when u c me with another girl. I'm so sorry. If there's something i could do, i wish i could take all e suffering away from u! It must had hurt so fucking bad! Wat is wrong with me? Y m i like tis? I know i'm very wrong to do tis right now but i still wan to say, "ah girl, I really miss u at times, i miss ur smile, i miss ur hugs, i miss ur laughter, i miss ur perfume, i miss mylo, i miss bathing mylo with u, i miss xiao gua gua, i miss going to furkids, i miss working with u, i miss walking mylo, i miss bringing mylo n u to sentosa, i miss fetching u on my bike n we sing out loud, i miss all e fun we had playing L4D, i miss our camping time at east coast, i miss our bangkok, genting n batam trips, i miss jogging with u, i miss carrying u from e room to kitchen, i miss all e anime n movie we watch, i miss those time when u anticipate my laughter while watching anime, i miss sleeping below u, i miss u kicking me to lie on my side during my sleep, i miss e soursop we once share, i miss talking abt our future with u, i miss carrying all e shopping bag when we do our retail therapy, i miss our song, i miss

4th SMS:

those times at pierce reservoir, i miss green meadow playground, i miss u sitting at e bus stop waiting 4 me, i miss e cheesecake u bake, i miss e sweet n sour pork u cook, i miss e clubbing n drinks we had, i miss e times when i look after u in hospital, i miss u riding tgt with me, i miss e time at ur place when i had to choose between u n wenhui n c u cry when i let u know e truth, i miss taking photo of u 4 our blog shop, i miss camwhoring with u, i miss ur family, i miss watching guai hua lian pian on ur mum bed with u, i miss driving u around in ur car, i miss e quarrel we had n e compromise that we made, i miss u thinkin of names for our kids, i still remember if its a girl, u wan to name her, cherish! i miss so much so much of u!" if only times remain still then. If only God could heard my prayer nw. I pray that u will be bless with lot of joy, happiness, health, wealth n love, n may Chris be e one to bring u all these, n may him b e right one 4 u. I'm really sorry 4 all e pain tat i'd done. I'm not trying to win u back or spoilt ur new r/s. I just wan to let u know nw that i'm gone, i will still b there 2 help if u ever need. Pls dun show theses msg to anyone, its only for us. I dun wan to create trouble between us anymore! I just wan to have a true fren who i can care n be cared by. If u dun wan 2 b fren, i understand. I will always be welcoming if u ever wan to. Have a good nite! Sweet dreams! Help me sayang n kiss mylo n xiao gua gua ok. Thanks alot! I hope all my tears will be gone. Tk care k


Seeing the smses again.. it still befuddles me as to why he would send such an sms saying all those things because it kinda felt like he was cheating, not being honest or whatever you call it, to his new girlfriend.. but i have stopped pondering over it because i needed to move on with my life, i wanted to move on with my life.. A new life with someone new and someone who i know will not do such things to betray me.. And that is all that matters to me...

It was our 1st anniversary yesterday.. didn't do much, but still a lovely day..=) Finally reach our 1st anniversary, many times I felt that we wouldn't make it to 1 year.. I'm glad we made it through and I hope for many more to come..=)

Dear got another 2 interview today and another 1 more tomorrow.. I'm hopeful.. I hope he lands a job soon.. I can see him putting in a lot of effort to try and get a job soon so that we would be able to live through the month more comfortably.. I really hope things can get better soon..

Thank you God for watching over us, please continue to guide us and watch over us.=)

We are the masters of our own lives and own emotions...

I'm quite tired of hearing people, directly or indirectly, telling me to leave him if i am suffering so much. I really wonder who is the stupid or dumb person who taught them to leave or abandon a person just because they are facing a difficult point in time and when they need the support of others. Don't tell me if you married someone and he/she faces some hard times, you are going to divorce them? If i can't even get through this bump in the road now with him, what am i to do when we do encounter another bump when we are married? Even for a friend, i wouldn't do that, why should i do it to someone i hope to get married to?

Many who read my recent entries may question why do I still hold on and stick around to go through all these shit, when I can just leave and have a better life. The question I want to ask back is, why not?

Just because someone is going through a rough patch now we should leave so that we don’t get dragged down with them? That is not even the right attitude and right thinking. Even in religious teachings, they do not teach you to abandon person at their lowest point in life and when they need the support of someone, be it moral or physical support, the most the moment in time. And it is not only in religious teachings that they teach it, it is also a moral value.

To me, so long as the one I love do not cheat, steal, lie or deliberately want to cause harm (physical or mental) to me, I will forever stay faithful to that person, because all other problems to me are solvable, with just a bit of compromising, understanding and effort from both parties. If a person chooses to leave because of any other problems other then the above, to me it’s like giving up, running away from the problem and not wanting to try anymore. Which is fine, but that is just not me. I believe strongly that anything problems a couple may face is solvable; it’s just a matter of whether you wish to face and deal with the problem heads on or not.

People always blame their negative feelings on others and never themselves. I may question why I am feeling this way, but I never blame anyone else for feeling miserable or angry or upset, because your emotions are yours and no one can control your emotions but yourself. Yes, people may try to manipulate you to feel a certain way, but in the end, whether you want to let the person affect you or not are all up to you. It’s the same with confidence, I’m sure you have met people, who, no matter how many setbacks they take or encounter, they are still the same confident person. And why is that? It is because they choose not to let things like that affect who they are or how they feel.

I am still learning to spot things that affect me to better control my feelings and emotions. I believe that when you find the source of what is making you feel miserable, you will be able to correct it. And I can tell you one thing, most of the time when you do find the source of your misery, it is usually your own self. And that is why there is this saying, 'You are your own worst enemy'.

Dear got an interview for a very good position. The recruitment person helping him is really nice and is doing all she can to help him get a job because she feels strongly that he is capable and is best fit for the job. You all may think that she is just another recruiter trying to earn money, but her job is to find people with capabilities and not papers to fit higher management positions. I find one thing she said was very true - paper qualification can only help you that much, there will come a point when your papers will not matter and that your abilities is most important'.

She is trying to arrange to have him interview with the 2 higher management personel to interview with him for a position of business developer in 2 big companies. Hopefully some good news will come our way soon.

Where is the spark in me? I just can't find it anymore....

I feel that I have lost the spark in me.. I’ve lost the enthusiasm to do anything. I have become boring and gloomy. I don’t know if its all the shit that have been happening to make me feel this way or is it my dear’s non-excitement to do anything have infected me as well. I don’t even feel like doing things that I used to love anymore.

I’ve lost enthusiasm to find my dream job. Sending out so many job applications, not a single one got back to me, except for those crappy and misleading MLMs and outdoor sales jobs. I’m like a discouraged employed worker.

I’ve lost the enthusiasm for life. I don’t feel like doing anything anymore. Sometimes I thought its cause I want to save money, that why I choose not to go out, but when dear suggest to go out, I just don’t feel like it, maybe its cause the only times he ever ask me to go out is to go to the range and practice golf.

I’ve lost the enthusiasm to go shopping, because I know I cannot afford to buy anything.

I’ve lost the hope to even get married and have kids. From all the bills that he needs to pay, to his constant thinking of buying watches and changing a new car when he has the money, I don’t even feel he has any plans to even save up for marriage. I can’t see which direction our relationship is going anymore. And if I have to start all over in a new relationship, I’d rather not. It is all too tiring, all the quarrels and compromising. I’d rather stay single forever.

I sometimes feel bad when my friends go out with me, because I feel I’m so gloomy and miserable to be with and that going out with me will only affect them too.

I’ve lost my smile. I don’t even feel like smiling most of the time and that’s why I sometimes choose to just stare at my computer screen for hours so that I do not need to face anybody.

This blog was suppose to bring about a new, better and happier me.

What is wrong with me????

Oh well.. look what you've done..

Well done.. your narrow mindedness and your inability to look far have cause your mum to feel even more alone then ever.. instead of trying to save the situation without hurting their relationship, you chose to stubbornly follow you ways without thinking of other factors. Now that you've return to your husband's side in some other country, your mum has to face everything alone by herself. After her retirement, she don't have the luxury of talking to colleagues anymore and can only rely on the company of relatives & her sisters, who may not be free all the time because they have their own family to attend to as well.. I really should congratulate you on this. She can't even do the only thing she likes anymore, and that is to cook, she can only cook for herself, which I doubt brings her much joy. She eats alone, goes out alone & you can bet there won't be any reunion dinners or lunch anytime soon.. You've made things worse for your poor mother.. You didn't even spare a thought of how your own mum would feel about her own two children fight and having what is left of her own family falling apart.. no mother, actually is no parents would ever want to see their own family fall apart.. it breaks their hearts and make them feel that they have failed miserably in being a parent.. and yes, I still stand by my statement that you are really ignorant for an adult and have no ability to see far.. BRAVO!

Aquarius Man

There is hardly any person on this earth whom an Aquarius man doesn't like. He is a people's person and almost every second person he meets becomes his friend. If he likes you, you are one of the many people he has befriended. It is when he doesn't like you at all or he likes you way too much that there are chances he has noticed you from amongst his numerous pals. As per an Aquarian male, the best way to pass the time is to probe into people's life and know their innermost feelings.

The same doesn't hold true for himself. He wants to hide his feelings from everyone and deliberately makes his reactions complex, just for the fun of fooling others. Love is just another experience for him, till he has been driven to the point of the altar. For him, all the people he has met hold a special place and special value. In the case of an Aquarian male, everyone is special, including those people whom he hasn't met yet. Selfishness is not one of his personality traits and he does not like small-mindedness.

His ideals are quite high and he seeks change way too often. Then, suddenly one day, he may become totally calm and composed. It will take a lot of effort on to assure an Aquarius male that he has become interested in one woman above mankind. After the shock is over, he will become an extremely considerate lover. Then, he may realize that he is neglecting the rest of the world for her and the consideration might diminish just a little. If you are thinking of playing games with an Aquarius man, ensure that what he discovers in the end is worth all that play.

In case it is not, he will just shrug and move on to the next mystery. Open books do not entice him and intriguing him will be your best. An unsuspecting female might feel way too important when he tries to probe her feelings. Then, she comes to know that he is as much interested in the bus boy or the new waitress. 'Poof', there goes her dream. Slowly and gradually, she cools down and finally, moves on to a more passionate guy. The Aquarian guy will sigh a little at her departure and then, get on with his next mystery.

He will never ever tolerate a person taking undue advantage of his goodness. Then, he can turn scathingly bitter and can take some shocking actions too. If he does something likes this to you, don't take it with your mouth shut. He likes a woman who holds her ground. The characteristics profile of an Aquarius guy shows a fetish for cleanliness and personal hygiene. In some men, it may become too much to digest. However, we are talking about the moderate ones. He will not go to many extremes to woo you, but there will be no dearth of romantic gestures either.

There are maximum chances that he will not be too comfortable with the whole idea of getting married. Infact, he usually looks for a female who acts as his best buddy, but makes no emotional demands. He isn't even good in expressing his love through physical gestures. 'I Love You' will take a long time to come and even after that; don't expect the issue of marriage to pop out next. He will churn out any excuse he can think of, to avoid it for as long as he can. Trying to invoke jealousy will not work, since he is not the one to come running to claim you.

He will resign himself and say that he knew he didn't deserve you. If you haven't played such tricks, then wait. One day, though much time later, he will realize that all his friends are married. Sensing this as a mystery he hasn't solved till date, he will propose you out of the blue. Jealousy and possessiveness do not define his personality. An Aquarian man will never ever doubt you or be suspicious of your activities. If and when, he becomes jealous, he will never let you know about it.

You will never have to worry about his loyalty too. He is not one of those who engage in dishonest relationships. Though you may get frequent reasons to be jealous, since he is so interested in people - both males as well as females. If you have asked him something, trust that his answer will be honest. It is better not to doubt an Aquarius man, or he can cook up the wildest story to add fuel to your suspicion. He will have his silent spells once in a while and during those periods, it is better to leave him alone.

He will come back soon, all happy and gay. With him, you will never to worry about money. It will somehow come into his hands. Don't be extravagant with the finances or he will get hurt. Nevertheless, he will have outbursts of generosity every now and then. As fathers, most of the Aquarian men encourage their kids' imagination. They are patient listeners and good at math's problems too. Make sure that you do not neglect you Aquarius husband when the kids come along. At the same time, don't be on the phone with your kitty friends when he needs you.

He married you so that he could have you around him all the time. So, always be there like a good wife and a good mother. An Aquarian man seldom forgets his first love, so make sure that you are the first girl who made him feel special. He may not be so romantic, but every now and then, he comes up with such beautiful lines that you feel as if you are soaring in the sky. He may forget birthdays or anniversaries, but suddenly he will say something so meaningful to you that will make up for all the lost time!


I find what they say is quite true.. almost everything applies to Dear.. =)

Sagittarius Woman

A Sagittarius woman lacks tact and her flat, on-the-face statements may make you feeling like running away from her. Then, suddenly, she will say something so charming that you will feel as if you are on the seventh heaven. There, you go again! You will be trapped in her charm once more. Once you have been enamored by a Sagittarius girl, you will be staying with her for a long time. She is pleasant, friendly, outspoken and very talkative. Her forthrightness comes form the fact that she has no illusions about the world.

She sees it exactly as it is and says what she sees. At times, you may wish that she were not so honest. But then, she would be like any other girl, wouldn't she? In all probability, you will not like it. A Sagittarian female is very optimistic, but she is not irrational. She will judge the entire situation as per the facts, analyze its probable outcome and still believe that things will get better. Usually, she is very calm and composed. However, when you become rude to her or offend her, she may become like the fire-spitting dragon.

Sagittarius women are quite independent and love their freedom. They are attached to their family, but not too much. If you want to get something done from a Sagittarian female, just ask her; don't order. She will never ever do it. She is your better half and don't you dare forget that. On the other hand, she doesn't want a sissy for a husband or boyfriend. He has to be a real man, who has his ego and won't stand for nonsense. So, you will be expected to balance politeness with firmness.

I know it's difficult - but then, since when was winning someone easy. With a Sagittarius girl, you will never have to guess. She says what she thinks and how she acts shows what she feels. This bluntness may cost her heavily at times, even to the point of ending the relationship. Still, she would act as if she's not hurt at all and it is just one of the many harmless flirtations she's had. People will even believe all this, while inside she will be weeping and nursing her wounds. All this time, she will be analyzing what went wrong and when.

The word 'marriage' makes a Sagittarian female a little nervous and you will need to tempt her in order to make her settle down. She is a little hard to catch and tends to be one of the boys all the time. That doesn't mean she looks or acts like a man! Infact, she is as female as any other girl is. The society and its norms do not matter to her. She can never be the hypocrite that some people are and tend to wiggle a few tongues. Her honesty and brusqueness further add to the negative opinions.

Don't be fooled by them. Look deep inside a Sagittarius female and you will find a woman who is so enthusiastic about life and who trusts easily. Infact, this extreme belief makes her heart vulnerable and defenseless. It gets broken too often, but then, she knows how to move on with life. You will be tempted to care for her. It's natural. There are hardly any people who can resist the bright and charming disposition of a Sagittarius girl. She will not be too good with money and will most probably be on the extravagant side.

She is very sentimental and emotional, though it seems otherwise. It just that, where her feelings are concerned, she becomes too shy. After marriage, your house will always remain sparkling clean, even if you don't have a maid to do that. She cannot stand sloppiness, it doesn't appeal to her sensibilities. She may not be too good at cooking, but she will also not burn your egg every day. A Sagittarian girl may pass the most sarcastic comments when she is angry, but she will forget the resentment soon enough. Then, she won't understand why are you so upset.

As a mother, she will be very friendly with the kids. Infact, she will be more of a chum, than a mom. Only, you will have to teach them to take her bluntness with a pinch of salt. Apart from that, she will be wonderful and make them as independent as she is. She will be a lovely hostess to guests and make them feel at home. Just let her be what she is. Don't try to change her and don't curb her individuality. She will brighten your life with her optimism, boost you with loyalty, trust you blindly and shower her affection on you. She will encourage you to see dreams and help you in making them come true!

True?

Seriously! Reflect on yourself too!

I spent quite some time talking to Dear yesterday and I finally see what is the truth more clearly now. Though there are still a bit of grey areas here and there, but at least I see more clearly now who is telling the truth.

Here are what bullshit she has been telling me and their mother:

1) He never fork out a single cent for the house.
- They went to HDB yesterday to transfer the name of the house and she again, for don’t know whatever stupid reason, said that he never paid a single cent for the house. Dear was irritated and asked the person to print out the statement to show her that he did fork out money for the house. Enough said.

2) She keeps saying that he gets himself into debt.
- Dear said he has never had debts, only this time. He admits he has borrowed money from his mum before, but it was to pay for 2 months rent for the fishing shop he used to own and another $4k, for whatever reason I do not know. Other then that, there was no debts and I think the reason he was unable to pay his shop rent was because of the case with his dad last time.

3) He never took out a single cent to help during the period their dad was giving them problems.
- His dad sued him and wanted to get a protection order against him saying that his son beat him. Would you have took out money to help in that situation? Anyways, his dad was always going to his fishing shop last time to help himself to the money in the cash register. I think that should be counted as putting in many cents to ‘help’ their dad.

4) It is a norm for him to be out of job after working 1-3 years.
- That is what I mean by jumping to conclusion. Did you ever bothered to ask and understand why he left the job? NO.. You just plainly assume he didn’t want to work cause of politics.
- His first job he left because it was during recession period and all the car industries were doing very badly.
- After that, he worked at a restaurant and bar as a Manager and got backstabbed and bad mouthed by people. He left because it wasn’t an industry he wanted to work in all his life, which I find is a reasonable reason cause there is nothing wrong with knowing what you want to do in life.
- Next, he started his own fishing shop. His father went and ruined it for him.
- Then the next company he joined, he did very well. He resigned because his senior manager felt threatened by his abilities and was doing all sorts of very despicable things to stop his promotion and force him to leave the company.
- Next company again, he was doing well again and then some idiot in the company throws a project at him to do and before the project can take flight, decides to cancel it and blames dear for the losses made. Subsequently, they started to deduct his pay every month.
- And finally, the last company, he was doing very well yet again and then the bosses started to do the exact same thing, except they didn’t cut his pay, but they delayed his commission every month and when he wanted to leave, didn’t even want to pay him his commission.

Do you even know all these? I bet not. Would you have continued to stay in the company under those horrible situations? Still dare to say you know him for 30years and that you know him well. Load of shit if you as me, when you are constantly travelling and hardly in Singapore. He gave up many good opportunities to work overseas because of your constant travelling so that there would at least be someone still in Singapore to look after your mum. He could have been rich by now.

The rest are more of less responsibility thrown at him because he is the man in the family. If your own family member is the sole-bread winner, struggling to make ends meet and is unable to do so himself, would you not step in to help? Wouldn’t anybody? That is what I do not see her doing. She flies off to Hong Kong and only comes back when she feels like it and only stays for a few days each time. She still talks about how dear never helps out with household chores and only does his own room. Are you ever around to see him do household chores? NO. When your mum is working, he does the chores, how is she to know he did do housework? You expect him to every time when your mum returns home and tell her he did the chores today? And how is he to help with chores when his job required him to work on weekends sometimes as well? How is he to do chores when during weekdays he has to work at 10.30pm till 2-5am and be back at office at around 12noon the next day?

You know how to talk, but I don’t see you doing anything. If you actually cared so much about your mum, you would have gone and find a job to work, like how you said you wanted to, so you can give your mum more money to retire and not care that you would have to sacrifice a bit of personal time with your husband or at least come back more often then you do to help your mum at home or hire a maid. There was so much you could have done, but you never bothered. Just conveniently throw all responsibility to your brother.

He has not repaid your mum the money he owes her last time because he doesn’t have enough for himself because he has bills to pay. And before he had bills to pay, his starting pay was around $1600.

And what is this shit about him having a lot of shoes? He has bought a pair of shoes in a VERY long time and only bought one or two recently because his old shoes were worn out and broken. He can’t wear the shoes he bought a long time ago because they are out of fashion or the glue at the sole would never hold from not being worn in a long time or it wouldn’t fit his feet anymore. If you want to talk about him having a lot of shoes, why not we talk about why do you need so many branded bags for?

So ya! Stop asking your brother to reflect on himself. He has and he has admitted to his mistakes and trying hard to amend things. Reflect on the horrible way you have been treating your brother all these years and your horrible action of making things worse instead!

I want things to take a turn for the better soon..

I'm so stressed out by everything that i'm losing sleep, losing appetite and even starting to lose more hair. I hope things will get better soon. No, i need things to get better soon, or my health is going to deteriorate. Already i can feel my body is feeling all the stress from all these. I do not know how much more i can take. I'm close to a breakdown. I really hope things will get better soon.

Spoke to dear’s sister yesterday. I was like their middleman, sending messages back and forth. Though his sister did offer to convey the message to him herself, but I refused. Seeing how she and dear are, it will only make matters worse if she did talk to him directly and waste all my efforts to try and get them on mutual grounds. She was saying how she felt her brother was immature and didn’t dare to talk to them directly. But from how I see things, I didn’t think it would even be possible. With her using an authoritative voice all the time, which sounds so demanding and belittling, is not going to get things anywhere with her brother’s character. Dear is a kind of person, loosely translated from Chinese to English, who eats soft and doesn’t eat hard. Even if you feel he don’t deserve the kind treatment that he requires, the only way he will actually listen to you is to still treat him with patience and kindness.

I find it wrong for his sister to judge him on how much housework he helps out at home when she conveniently runs off to Hong Kong to work and get married and throws all responsibility of looking after their mother to her brother. Another thing I disagree with is the throwing of responsibility of the family’s sole-bread winner onto him, I feel its very unfair to dear, just cause their father screwed up and their parents even up divorcing, he should be appointed the family’s sole-bread winner just cause he is the only male in the family. Who ever invented that rule? Everything that happened was not even his fault and now their parents screwed things up it is his responsibility? I’m sure he would be more then willing to be the sole-bread winner of the home if he was able to, but the thing is he is not able to now, so why can’t she help shoulder the responsibility as well and not conveniently push all the responsibility to him just because he is a guy. He is only human.

Anyways, no point pushing the blame back and forth, they are both in the wrong and both of them seriously need to grow up instead of pointing the finger at one another. Nothing is going to be solved screaming at each other and nothing can be solved not talking to each other either. Mature adults sit down and talk matters out calmly and compromise.

For You I Will - Monica

When you're feeling lost in the night
When you feel your world just ain't right
Call on me, I will be waiting
Count on me, I will be there
Anytime the times get too tough
Anytime your best ain't enough
I'll be the one to make it better
I'll be there to protect you, see you through
I'll be there, and there is nothing, I won't do

I will cross the ocean for you
I will go and bring you the moon
I will be your hero, your strength, anything you need
I will be the sun in your sky
I will light your way for all time, i promise you
For you I will

I will shield your heart from the rain
I won't let no harm come your way
Oh, these arms will be your shelter
No, these arms won't let you down
If there is a mountain to move
I will move that mountain for you

I'm here for you, I'm here forever
I will be your fortress tall and strong
I'll keep you safe, I'll stand beside you right or wrong


For you i will, lay my life on the line, for you I will fight,
For you I will die, with every breath, with all my soul
I'll give my word, I'll give it all
Put your faith in me, put your faith in me
And I'll do anything...


My sleep for the past few days has been plagued by many bad dreams. I feel like crying all the time because I feel so helpless that I am unable to help you. I'm so depressed by everything happening around me that i've even lost my interest in food. I want everything to get better soon; I want those bad dreams to go away. I do not want to see you this way. Every time I see you smile or laugh, I feel your struggle to mask your frustration and unhappiness. I have suggestions which I am afraid to voice out for fear of angering you and making things between you and your family worse. As much as I want to help you, I do not wish to be the messenger between you and your family anymore. It‘s very suffocating and pressurizing to be the messenger of such a sensitive issue. I feel that you should be more sincere and talk to your family directly.

If only I could get 30,000 people to donate $1 each, it would help so much. Now that the bank have given you an extension and allow you to pay the minimum amount, I hope you will make good use of this second chance the bank is giving you and keep your promise to them.

Everyday is a struggle to try my best to not look sad or worried or even cry in front of you, for you it may be easier to hide behind that mask of yours, but it is not for me. Even if you do not care about yourself, could you at least have a heart and think of how this is affecting all your loved ones around you? It is easy to ask us to just don’t care about you, but it is difficult for us to do it. If not caring was as easy as saying one don’t care, then the world would be in chaos by now, because the whole world would not care about what happens to another person.

Just like what the song above is saying, i will always be there for you and will do anything to help you, but i just ask that you spare a thought for others and how your actions may hurt them, don't make things any harder then it is already.

Stubborn people usually don't realise they are being stubborn.. Do not let it cloud your judgement..

Left on a rather abrupt note in my last entry. Nothing has change; the problems are still there and Dear is not relenting. I hope something can be done soon. I did some research online and apparently there are alternatives. I hope he will put down his male ego and pride and seek legal advice for his situation and not put his family and future in jeopardy. I just want all these problems to go away! All these tension in the house is suffocating and I can’t believe he can just act like there’s nothing wrong. Sigh.. I wish he would deal with this problem with more urgency. I want things back to the way they were, I don’t need a lavish life, just a comfortable one right now. I can’t write anymore, my mind is in such a mess till I can’t even organize my thoughts anymore.

Dear God.. please show me the light..

For once in my life I'm really at my wits end. I do not know what I can do to help anymore. Plus his stubbornness to not put down his pride is not helping at all. Why can't he see how selfish he is being? Even though I know he tried very hard and have been doing his ultimate best to clear off his debt, he is still in a wrong for letting things end up this way. He should have ask for help earlier if he knew he didn't have enough to pay his monthly payment and now the letter has arrived and demands he pay the full amount in 5 days time. If he doesn't, his car and flat will be taken away from him. His sister have asked that he transferred the name of the flat to her name but he has refused. Why? Why do you stubbornly not want to do it? Even if you didn't care about yourself and where you end up in the end, can't you spare a thought for your mother? Where is she going to stay if the house gets taken away? Already you're asking for her help and now that she is asking something in return you refuse. She just wants to protect herself now that she is in her old age. What is wrong with that? You're pissed that they don't trust you, but how do you expect anyone to trust you when you still have so much debts to pay? Anybody out there would feel the same way and any sensible person would willingly transfer their name out of the house to protect their loved ones and make sure they still have a home to go back to should anything happen to them. Stop making stupid mistakes after stupid mistakes anymore..