A look back on life...

Been a long time since i've updated my blog, as usual, no time, don't feel like updating, blah, blah, blah... 

And as usual, many things have happened and changed. Last i updated, dear got a job and i started studying again. All the assignments and stress that comes with studying have all started. Most probably need to quit my day job to be able to concentrate on my studies and to do well. Quite happy because i got a high distinction on my first subject. Never got a high distinction for anything in my life. 

On a not so happy side note, dear might be losing his job. His boss is too female bias and it is not working out well for him. Actually, it never worked out well for any of the male employees in the company because they always get scolded and blamed for things that isn't their fault, many of them left in the past because of this exact reason. The boss was just too ridiculously female bias and he only listen to the female employees. So dear got seriously sabotaged by the newly employed female supervisor. She is really one hell of a bitch. I think it is because she knows (actually everybody knows) that the boss is very female bias, so she used that to her advantage by bad-mouthing dear a lot to their boss and most probably made up a lot of stories to make dear look incompetent. So much so that even when dear tried to explain the real situation to their boss, he doesn't even want to listen. Talk about a seriously insecure bitch. Good luck to the boss too, because if this is the way he is going to run his business, it will go seriously wrong one day. If he manages to turn his offices into all girl environment, there is going to be a lot of bitching and backstabbing. The kind of environment that can never retain good talents. So here we are, we are back to where we were before, worrying about money.

Though my life now may not be ideal, but i still believe it will get better. Like the Chinese saying goes,"先苦后甜", loosely translated to savor the sweet after the bitter. If we are going through so much hard times now, i believe we will enjoy a lot of sweetness later in life. Though in our relationship, we have gone through more bad times then good, i would not have chosen differently if given another chance to go back in time, because right now, my heart feels the safest it has ever been. I know i will never again have to suffer the same kind of betrayal and hurt that my ex-boyfriend inflicted on me. I'm fortunate to have found someone who loves me, will always stay faithful in a relationship and will not hurt me the way my ex-boyfriend did. When i was with my ex-boyfriend, i always had the fear that he would do the same thing he did to his ex-girlfriend onto me, which was to leave me for another girl, so i let my guard down and chose to trust him and his words of never leaving me and loving me forever, blah, blah, blah. Sadly his promises were all just empty words. I wouldn't be surprised if he have made the same exact promise to his current girlfriend as well, i just wish her all the best and good luck that it isn't the same empty words he gave me as well. It's like they say, a leopard can never change it's spots and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

One thing i was happy to get away from was the expectations of his family, their expectations of always greeting everyone before every meal plus some other things that i don't remember anymore and i also believe till today that his sister never liked me, maybe because i am tall, she is short (i wouldn't be surprise if it was true though, i've had experiences in the past of girls, girls that i hardly talk to, disliking me just cause i was naturally thin and tall. =/ weird world we live in), but whatever it is, i am glad i don't have to live up to those expectations anymore. I never liked it when people expected me to be this or that, basically being who i am not. At least now his girlfriend should be having a easier time fitting in after i left, considering how much i have lowered their expectations. Haa! I'm so glad my dear's mum doesn't have all these stupid expectation, i guess in a way she did influence who he is today, he doesn't put silly expectations on others and so long as they are honest and good people, he is alright with them, but i guess that can be kind of a bad thing as well, cause it makes him too trusting and end up getting backstabbed by people so many times. =/

I just hope that God will see the good qualities in him and give him a chance to right his wrong.

Big changes... I hope it's for the better...

Many things are going to change again.. Sigh.. Big changes this time..

Just a bit of update on what is going on currently..

I've started studying again. Want to get a degree and i hope this time i have finally found my calling in Psychology. I am also working part time as a data entry staff on days that i am not working. I really hate the job, have tried looking for other jobs, but it seems its really hard to find another job that allows you to work as and when you like and still pays pretty well. =/

Dearest have just accepted a job. It is very good news because the job pays well and it is something he really wants to do long term. The only down side is that he will need to be based at KL during the weekdays and will only be able to come back to SG during the weekends and that is only provided he doesn't have anything on during the weekends.

Other then that, the job is pretty good. He is practically working like an expat over there. He will have a house, that the boss of the company bought, to live in, a car to drive there, all travel expenses there and even to travel back and forth to SG are all claimable back from the company and even a shell card will be given to him to pump petrol in SG. The boss even said he might give him a company credit card for him to use should he need to bring clients out for food and drinks. So all he really needs to pay is his bills and food expenses. All these will help greatly in helping him to clear off his debts and may even allow him to finally start saving for the future.

However, because he will need to be stationed in KL, i will need to do more to look after puppy and mylo on top of juggling my studies and work. We have given up on the idea of giving up puppy to someone else to look after because both of us love him too much to even bear the thought of giving him away. So i decided i would travel to his house after work and stay over on certain nights to keep him company and bring him on his regular walks. His mum is asking him to get rid of puppy just cause he won't be around that often, but we are not going to do that. It's not like we are asking her to look after puppy and it is not even an inconvenience since puppy is closed up in dear's bedroom when neither of us are home, so there is no trouble of puppy disturbing her and dirtying the house. Not that puppy would also because he have been toilet trained. Plus, puppy is like our son, she may not be able to relate because to her puppy is just an animal, but i doubt she would give up her children if her own mother had asked her to.

Things would be easier if my dad would just let me keep puppy at home, but my dad just won't allow it and i know that it is very difficult to talk him into it, plus i do not want to add additional stress that my dad will give to my mum, so we have no choice but to go with this arrangement and see how it goes. If my dad is not happy about it then it's too bad. I don't really care. If he can't understand just how important my boys are in my life, then that is his problem.

Well, that is basically the big major change that is going to happen. We will have lesser time together, i will have more responsibilities and lesser time with my friends, but if it is all worth it then i'm willing to do the best that i can to juggle everything and make things work.

Because I Love You So...

I have thought of giving up many times, of leaving you many times. To have back the normal life I used to have, to be able to meet my friends and have a nice meal, watch a movie or even to go clubbing and have drinks without having to think twice about spending money. To not feel guilty about spending money which could be put to better use like helping you clear some of your bills.

To live everyday not feeling stressed and depressed and afraid of what will happen next, to be able to make plans for the future that could be. If only you could just accept what might happen to you and not think of doing stupid things which makes me worry about you, that makes me cry at night and lose sleep over.

I didn't leave, I stayed, it would be selfish of me to leave now when I am the only person who actually give a damn what happens to you, but all the more, I stayed because i love you to much.

So do not be selfish and do things that will hurt me when I'm willing to stand by you through it all.

A Cry For Help... =(

When i restarted my blog, it was in hopes that things i write down will be happier and better. Instead, everything is going downhill and i don't know what to do anymore. 

My own personal life is still alright, i have gone back to studying to get a degree in a field that i have an interest in and also as a promise to my mum to get a degree. With all that is happening, it made me realize just how lucky and fortunate i am to have parents that support me in my studies, pay for my school fees and give me allowance so that i do not have to worry about finances. Even though i am working part time now, i did not need to, i chose to work part time because i do not want to burden my mum further with having to provide my monthly allowance and also to help my dear financially. I am grateful enough that she is willing to pay for my studies and i am going to work hard to not let her down and regret paying for my studies. I still have my close friends and new good friends from Toshiba who are all there for me if i need them and i'm really grateful to have them in my life. 

The person i am most worried about is my dear. He is still unable to get a job even though he have been trying really hard to find one. I do not know what will happen next month, i only know it will not be good if he still can't get a job. He hasn't been getting enough sleep because he can't stop worrying about the next day. He is so sleep deprived and stressed out about things that he is even thinking about ending his life so that his debt problem will be gone. He actually thinks ending his life will make people happy! Most of his friends have turn their backs to him when he asked for help (people who know him should know that he is a very prideful person and asking for help is one he would rather not do) and those were people that he have helped before, only a small handful offered help and they weren't even the rich ones. Now i know, rich people are the last people you should ask help from. In future, i will never offer help to rich people, because they will never return the favor if you ever needed help next time, they won't even reply your messages. 

The worst is his own family members! I have never been to disgusted by anybody in my whole life before, but his sister managed to accomplish that. All his stupid sister ever focus on is all the wrongs he have done in the past. It so typical of unreasonable & seriously stupid people to only focus on the negative when things go bad. I don't really blame his mum by being misguided by his sister because his sister is as manipulative as the government, maybe even worse. Putting all those wrong thinking into their mum's head. She tells bullshit like how he never contributed to the house, how he never put in a single cent since the first day they got the house. Do we really need to get hdb to print the house transaction, laminate it and paste it on the wall somewhere for her and their mum to see that he did contribute? Unless she is so dumb not to know that CPF happens to be money as well? And what about all the PUB, electricity, conservancy and cable bills? He have been paying for them most of the time since they moved into the house. He only missed the payment by like 2 months when she came back to Singapore and she talked like he haven't paid them for a year. And what about the nonsense about her own brother not wanting to work and only wants to live off their mum? Your brother is so much smarter then you. Would he invest in such a stupid plan when he will obviously outlive his own mother? Goes to show the kind of thinking uneducated people have. 

Would seeing her brother dead make her happy? No mother would ever want to bury their children. I guess she wants to make that wish come true for her mum. If only she had kept her end of the bargain the last time and clear all his debt in exchange for the house and not have been so petty about what her brother had said. It is a fair barter. It is not like the amount he owes is greater then the cost of the house. As a matter of fact, the amount he owes most probably is almost equal to the amount he have chipped in for the house up till now. 


I'm so stressed and depressed about his situation. Stressed that he might really break under all the pressure and fear he is going through, depressed that there is nothing i can do to help him anymore. I have been helping him since he left his last job. I voluntarily gave him money when he needed it and not expecting him to pay me back, even if it meant eating cheap for the rest of the month and scraping by till my next payday, but i can't help him anymore because i don't have a regular paying job anymore now that i am studying. I give him what i can whenever i can.  Even up till now, i force myself to get a part time paying job, when i could have been doing voluntary work to make my resume look better for future job prospect, just so i can help him, even if its just a small amount. But his own family, just stand by and watch him fall, not even willing to help him anymore. As family, should we really be so calculative about how many times we should help each other? Since they choose to be so calculative, if the bank ever wants to take dear's share of the house to clear his debt, then so be it. I'm not going to help them anymore, because i feel they kind of deserve it for not helping their own son and brother. If he had accumulated those debts because he is an alcoholic or that he have a gambling addiction, i would not blame them for not helping, but the thing is now he is having a hard time to find a job because the job market isn't good and he is unable to pay his bills and they are not willing to help. All he needed was some financial help to tide over till he gets a job. There are understandable situations where one should and should not help, they obviously can't tell the difference. His mum doesn't want to sell the house and downgrade i still can understand, but she won't even let him rent out his sister's under utilized room to help him tide through till he gets a job. They are not even willing to give him those options to help him a little.

Everyday i'm worried to wake up to hear my boyfriend is dead at the foot of his block or dead from overdose in his room. I don't ever want the experience of having to bury my own boyfriend. I'm so dead worried about it everyday and yet his own family don't seem to be in the least bit worried or even care if he ever takes his own life! I'm really at my wit end. I do not know what to do to help him anymore. As much as i do not want to see him fail, the only thing i can do is to be there for him when he does and hope that it is enough to make him not kill himself. 

Why is God so unfair? He made me go through the worst heartbreak and betrayal in my life, and just when i thought things couldn't get any worse, he makes me go through even more hardship and pain, while the person who hurt me so deeply before gets to move on in his life and live a relatively comfortable one. Where is the justice in that? What did i do to deserve all of these? Do i deserve nothing good in my life to happen to me? 

Dear God, why?

Seriously..

I don't get why some parents, especially those that are not very educated, go around telling their friends and relatives about all the bad stuff about their children. Like, don't they realise that in doing so, they are kind of announcing to the whole world about their failure as a parent? If your child ends up getting in trouble or doing something wrong, it is the parent's fault as well and not entirely the child's fault. Yes, it is the child's fault for making that mistake, but it is the fault of the parent for failing to give the proper guidance and education to the child that ended up having the child make the wrong decisions and choices.

And shouldn't parents try to encourage, support and motivate their children for them to succeed in life? Then what is the purpose of them going around telling other people everything negative about their child? is that suppose to motivate them? Some parents seriously need to reflect on themselves, because at the end of the day, it is their actions that influences the child in every aspects of their lives.

Closing on another chapter in my life.. Awaiting a new and hopefully better chapter..=)

Yay! I managed to lose 2kg in the past week or so. Happy! Quite happy with my weight now, 48kg! Going to try and maintain it  at 48kg. =D

Another week and 2 days and I will no longer be in the company anymore. Quite happy cause I don’t need to do shit job anymore, sad cause I will miss the friends I’ve made there dearly. =( But hopefully, if I do study Psychology at MDIS, I will be able to meet up with them still cause the campus is near the office. I have already got confirmation from MDIS that I got in for the September intake. I’m about 70% confirmed that I will most probably be going back to studies after my contract ends. In the mean time, I am going to try volunteering at IMH or somewhere to get a feel of the job to be sure that that will be a job I want to do for the rest of my life! Don’t want anymore mistakes and wasted time. Just want to go full speed ahead with my future career and life.

Dear is out of job again. He left his last job just a few days ago. I’m worried, worried about money, worried about him being able to make payments on time, worried that history will repeat itself. I do not want to go through that difficult period again! =( He said he will go get a part time job in the mean time. Hopefully he will be able to find one soon. I do not want to touch too much into my completion bonus. Want to save it for our phuket trip in July! But I’ve just got to have faith in him that he will take care of things.

The company was quite horrible. I think I have spoken about it before in one of my previous entry. The last straw came when his GM was making life difficult for him. Calling him and telling him he should be at suntec convention hall at 8am for some seminar, but when he rushed down, it turns out to be a road show and he went unprepared cause his GM did not inform him about bring anything. This was like one of the many few times his GM have tried to ‘sarboh’ him already. Another time was when he asked dear to ask around to see how many people will be going for this talk on a certain date, but the GM did not confirm with him the time. He asked his GM a few times before to confirm the timing, but he never confirm with him. And then one day he just asked how many people were going. Dear haven’t even asked yet because that stupid GM didn’t confirm timing. How can you ask people to confirm with you if they will be going for a talk if you never let them know the timing? What happens if the talk is after working hours and people have already made plans? The way they run the company is really stupid. When payday came, he only received less then half of what they promised him. No matter how he tried to calculate, he could not derive the amount they had given to him. Everybody else’s pay in the company were also short by a lot. And worse thing is, they refuse to give everybody a payslip, saying that they don’t do payslip. Really shady company, so dishonest, underpay their workers and still expect them to give them results. If any of you get a call from a company called ‘Acsendo Consulting Pte Ltd’ for a job interview for whatever position, do not go. They are a scam and a very dishonest company. Dear was given a Senior Marketing Manager position, but his job scope was nothing close to that. He was practically doing sales everyday and going out to meet clients. I told him to leave if he didn’t like the job, because I felt that if they were going to pay him less then half every month, then it’s no point. It will just be as good as going back to square one. Pay is such an important thing to everyone, because everyone needs to eat, needs to pay bills. Who will be willing to work for you when you constantly cut their pay for no reason or for any reason that isn’t even substantial enough?

Anyways, I can’t wait for July! Can’t wait to go on our 1^st ever overseas trip! It’s going to be perfect! =D

CLEO runway search 2011!

Last week has been a pretty exciting and nerve-wreaking week for me. I was shortlisted as one of the 15 finalist in CLEO’s runway search. The whole experience have been really special and it gave me an inside experience of what it is like to be a runway model. I was really delighted and surprised when CLEO called back to inform me that I was selected for the finals. I totally couldn’t believe it; I wasn’t even expecting their call because I thought that I had screwed up my auditions.

You could imagine my jubilations on hearing I got into the finals, but after an hour or so that went by, by jubilations turned into fear and nervousness. I was worried I would trip and fumble on the runway and the horrors if I actually fell on stage and every seconds of my fall captured on camera like a slow frame-by-frame movie!

After that, it was just nerve wreaking thought after nerve wreaking thought because I wasn’t the most confident on heels. I rarely wear heels because I was already tall enough, according to a lot of people, without them, plus the fact that I don’t really have any official training or experience on how to catwalk on the runway.

My nerves were slightly soothed when I received a call back from CLEO informing me on the photo shoot, training, fitting and rehearsal dates. TRAINING! Thank God there’s training!

DAY 1: Photo shoot

I was pretty excited about it! You know how all girls are, just like getting a make over and taking pretty pictures. I admit, I am no different in that area. =P My one concern was that I didn’t know how to pose and move to get the right angle for the camera and was hoping the cameraman would be really nice to guide me and try to take the best shots of me. The hair and make up part was really nice. The make up artist was really, really good. However, the photo shoot was not as glamorous as I thought it would be. I was told to do a short catwalk towards the camera (Crap! I don’t know how to catwalk!) in 4 inch heels (that were not very fitting and I felt like falling at every step!), I tried a few times and failed miserably. I kept tripping, I didn’t know if it was me or the shoes, but GOSH it was embarrassing! The spot lights were really hot as well and I was sweating like mad. And throughout my whole ordeal, a camera was filming everything down. As usual, after my photo shoot, I felt really lousy and was praying really hard the ‘tripping’ video of me would not go viral. However, I told myself I would work really hard during the 2 sessions of training to improve on my walk.

DAY 1: Training (night time)

Training was at Carrie models office. I was psyched up to be really attentive and hardworking during class. Turns out there is so much more to a catwalk then just walking up and down, doing a few turns and posing. Surprisingly, a catwalk can be just as complex as playing golf. =/ You need to know which leg to start of with, which way to turn, how the place your feet when posing so that you do not lose balance and how to pose so that you will look shapely and tall. I was almost overwhelmed by the end of the class. I knew I needed more practice.

DAY 2: Fitting

I started the day feeling excited about fitting. However, the whole experience turned out to be rather horrible. The person in charge of us was being really rude and arrogant, treating all of us like pieces of meat to be slapped around. I thought fitting would be about finding a dress / clothes that fit our body shape and getting in our correct sizes. What they did was try to best fit the clothes that they brought to whoever could fit them best and using safety pins to tighten clothes that were too big. Even if the shoes were too big for our feet, in my case, 2 sizes too big, we still had to wear them and walk in them. That got me very worried and increased my fears of falling on the runway. Not pleasant at all. I think if we were more well-known and famous, we would have been treated with more respect. =/ Saw a bit of the not so nice side of modeling.

DAY 3: Training session 2

I was geared up and ready to show our trainer how much I have improved with the practices I have been doing when I could. Everything was much better then the first time and we were thrown more things to learn. Needed to go back and practice some more. Saw Singapore’s Top model, Shelia Sim before the start of the class, she was at Carrie models for an interview, I’m guessing it was for the Audi Fashion Festival since she was the face for the event. Some of the girls got excited about it, I didn’t know her name then, have only seen her face on magazines, so I was totally clueless. 0_0

DAY 4:

Finally a day of rest! But I did some practicing to increase my confidence on the runway.

DAY 5: Rehearsal from 9pm-11pm

Pretty excited about it. Was rather fun and I realized the song choice for the runway is so important cause it helps you to walk better if you follow the beat of the song. However, saw the ugly side of professional models. They are really stuck up and unfriendly as people say they are. Of the whole group of about 20 of them, only 1 was friendly enough to smile at us.

DAY 6: Actual Event

As much as I dislike them professional models’ attitude, I still have a certain level of respect for them. Their ability to look confident while walking down a runway in front of hundreds and something thousands of people. Everybody was at the tent at 12pm and already people were hustling and bustling before we arrived due to events packed before ours. From 12-5pm was all just a mad rush of getting our hair, make up and wardrobe done to perfection. When the time of the start of our event arrived, we were all waiting back stage at our starting positions getting ready to strut our stuff on the runway. It was the most nerve wreaking, butterflies-fluttering-in-the-stomach moment ever! But thank goodness everything went pretty smoothly and I didn’t not stumble nor fall on the runway. The real experience itself was pretty liberating I must say. =)

Overall, it was an experience of a lifetime, especially on the actual day itself. =) It may have been a short one week of preparations and hard work, but I met some really nice people, learnt a lot of new things and it is an experience I will never forget. I’m awaiting for the new issue of CLEO, don’t know if I’ll have my pictures in the magazine, but I hope to be able to get print outs of the photos taken at the photo shoot to keep as memories.

http://audifashionfestival.com/Site/photogallery5

For those who are interested, there are 2 photos of me on the Audi fashion festival website. The pictures are pretty alright, though I’m still not 100% satisfied with them because my eyes were being really uncooperative that day (like one big one small), but doesn’t matter, a few pictures is till better then none. =)

Really touched by all the support from my friends, colleague and my dear throughout this whole experience. They kept encouraging me and edging me on. Let's just say i am not the most confident person in the world, so i'm really glad to have them there to support me. =)

Love ya'll deep deep!

I think this is the end. There is most likely no chance for me to stay on in the company. As much as i do not want to, it is sad to say good bye too all my lovely colleagues, but i believe God must have better plans for me. I really hope my next step and decision will be a better and right one.

Dear God, I am putting my trust and faith in you now.

Heart don't fail me now, courage don't desert me.

Just sharing some great quotes I have been reading:

“ A beautiful face and great body will never substitute for an ugly attitude and a hateful heart”

“ Ladies: Showing a great amount of skin when you dress up isn’t the way to find Prince Charming. Prince Charming likes his gifts wrapped.”

“ You got to hurt in order to know, fall in order to grow, lose in order to gain, because most of life’s lessons are learned because of pain.”

“ During bad times when things get worst it only means you’re closer to a breakthrough. Things sometimes get worst before they get better.”

“ Don’t allow yourself to wake up with yesterday’s issues troubling your mind. Refuse to live backwards, see everyday as a new chapter.”

The 3rd quote have got to be one I agree with the most. It is what I have always been telling people and what I live by. Though many of us hate experiencing hurt, suffering and pain, it is really what will make us stronger. That is why I always find people who constantly choose to let themselves drown in their own sorrows and wallow in self-pity are exactly the kind of people who are not strong mentally and are most of the time immature. I’m not saying you can’t cry, be depressed or feel sad, you can, but pick yourself up afterwards and move on. Don’t depend on your friends all the time to pick up the pieces for you because you will never learn anything that way.

I’m really glad for everything that happened. From a failed relationship, to finding new one and going through really tough times, because everything that happened have helped me to become a stronger and better person. I am really grateful to God for everything. For showing me all the support and love I have all around me.

As for the fourth quote, I really hope things will get even better for me and dear soon. Don’t get me wrong, things have improved a little, but more is needed to get better.

Anyways, I’m a little brain dead today. So just going to end here. Hee..

Lost.. with no directions...

Haven't updated in awhile. Nothing much happened. Dear started working at his new job already, but he is not loving his job at all. The company is really disorganised, with no proper system. Always coming up with last minute changes and last minute rules. You can't even take medical leave half way through work if you are not feeling well. No urgent leave even if something comes up last min and they operate by a 'fine' system, if you do something wrong, they fine you $10 each time. The GM in the company can't even speak proper english and half the time people can't understand what he is saying. Worse thing is when the GM shouts vulgarities when he lectures a employee. I always felt it was really bad to work under a boss that don't know how to treat their employees right. Just cause you are the GM does not give you the right to treat your workers like dogs. Overall, the company is not very transparent about things. But even with all these negative things about the company, dear is persevering and will leave after he finds another job. I'm proud of him, he wanted to give up and just hand in his resignation letter after the first day of work, but he didn't and i'm very proud of him for not doing so. I really hope P-serv will get back to him and give him a chance to try out the job position they were offering. He really deserves this break in life.

As for me, my own GM didn't get back to me on my request. Honestly, i'm quite disappointed in him. Got to know from my colleague that he haven't even got about to talking to the marcom manager about my preposition, but he has the time to walk up and down to catch people for being late and chit chat. I don't know what next step to take. =( I have been applying for jobs, but not a single reply. I do not understand why people must put all these expectations of customising cover letters for every job to fit the employer, because people seriously do not have the time to do such things especially when you are still in between jobs.

I was considering if i should go back to studying and get a degree if i do not have another job by the time my contract is up in end May or should i just continue to look for a job, which is going to be hard because i will be fighting with all the degree grads and most of the employer's expect at least a degree for the job position. =(

Dear God, thank you for everything you have given me. Please continue to show me the way and help me make the right decisions. Help my dear to be able to get a job he loves and will enjoy doing.

A better future... i hope...

Dear accepted the job offer.. even if it is temporary, till he gets the job he is currently working hard to get at the moment, it is still better then nothing, cause he will finally have income coming in.. Which means better days for us! Yay! =D And the pay for the job is pretty good too. Hopefully we will be able to lead a comfortable life while repaying all his loans as well.. at the same time, i hope he gets the job he is aiming for. Then he'll be able to have a life-long career.

Aside to me, my GM still haven't get back to me yet. =/ i think i will need to find time to talk to him again.. i really hope i can get the position i am aiming for. I really want to stay, not only for the experience and to learn new things, but also for the friends i've made here. Hai...

Dear God, please continue to bless us and watch over us.. allow us to be able to reach our goals...

A glimmer of hope.. more good news i really hope.. =)

Finally dear got a job offer! What a big relieve! Don’t know for what position yet and I don’t know if he will take it up also, but it’s a good start and very good news! =)

My life the past few weeks or so have been pretty good. Though, I’m still poor and broke, but I’m happier. Made more friends at work and have been meeting up with my friends as well. It’s all making me cheerier. =) Just hope that my GM will make me an even happier person by offering me the position i am eyeing in the company. I really want to stay in this company I’m working at now. I have made quite a few good friends here and I hope to stay on and strengthen those bonds. Though not by choice, I’ve always never been able to stay at one place long enough to make long, lasting bonds with people I meet and got to know.

Dear God, I just want to say I am grateful for all the things you have given me and my dear and for taking care of us. Please continue to show and guide us through life and help us get jobs that we would love doing and will stay and work in for a long time. =)

Things of the past that never gave me any closure...

Was going through the stuff in my laptop to see what i can get rid of to make more space available in my laptop memory and came across a folder of old smses that i had stored when i changed handphone.. I was looking through the folder to see what i wanted to delete and what i wanted to keep and came across the 4 long smses my ex-boyfriend had sent me almost 4 months after we broke up..

Date: 27.4.2010 Time: 03:57AM

1st SMS:
Hi girl. Dun mean to disturb... Actually i saw ur fb n realise u got attached. Congrats. How's life? Should be good rite! Saw all e photos, chris seems to be a nice guy. To b real honest, when i saw mylo n xiao gua gua pic, i cant lie but say i do miss mylo n xiao gua gua alot but i dun think its possible for us to meet n walk mylo ever, if not later chris kill me. I dunno wats wrong with me but i just cant help n i just cant control my tears when i c e studio shot of mylo pic. Mayb i'm just too happy 4 u cos u moved on or mayb cos of other stuff, i dunno. Knowing that i owe u alot as i had once hurt u so deeply. I'm sorry! I had been wondering if i should msg u all tis 4 e past 3hr. Cos just then i was packing thru my stuff n saw our photos. I cry like fuck la! I dunno y! I tot i moved on. But my tear just kept flowing when i browse thru e photos. All e sweet memories just move me to tears! Mayb its God's will tat things turns out tis way. Cos he know that i'm such a loser. Know wat, mayb i just not meant to succeed in life. All e past plans that i made, i have not even done anything yet! My work life is in such a mess nw! I hate my job, i hate it so much till i get involved in lots of arguement with my bosses. All my past plans dun seems to b a gd investment anymore. Lots of ppl had been putting me down. I dunno y m i tell u tis, but i dunno who can i talk tis to anymore. Peiwen is there to talk to me but i just find tat at times when we understand n talk things, our thinking is just so different. At ti

2nd SMS:
At times, i wish u were there to talk to me as my best friend. Cos no one know me as much as u do, not even my family. Even though nw i often meet up with my frens n family, i just find that they dun know me so well anymore. Kinda sad ah. Enough of me. How abt u? I notice that chris is quite tall ah, u must be happy tat u could wear heels without any prob when u go party. Haha. Guess that was nv a gd idea to b with me 5yr ago. Haha. Oh ya, I'm not here to try to change anything. I really just wan to be very gd fren with u! Cos for a good 5yr of my adult life, no one know me better. Though we r apart nw, guess we still could b frens rite! But dunno if chris or peiwen could take it anot. But if both of them r mature n trusting enough, i believe they could. Wah lao i just realise i'm like forcing u to b fren with me la. Haha. But just nw when i look thru my stuff, there's still alot of ur stuff n things that u do n buy 4 me is still around in my room. Cant bear to throw them away cos those memories are too beautiful! U know wat, Peiwen once browse our photo albums with me n i had to run outside to clean my tears la. So scare she see sia, dunno she will kill me anot. Haha. So weird rite, though it had been so long, but those memories seems to be so fresh when i look thru them. Especially e photo album tat u create which had like a walk thru of our r/s. That one make me cry e most at nite. Nw i really know how bad it feels like. When i saw e photo of u n chris, i cry like fuck, cos my stupid music player was

3rd SMS:
playing the song by Blue: "cruel to e eyes, when i c e way he makes u smile. Cruel to e eyes, watching him hold wat used to me mine. Y did i lie, y did i walk away to find. Y!" wah, e song just came so suddenly lor, it felt like a movie scene. Then i felt like shit. Even though i'm in a r/s with another person, it still hurts, it hurt so freaking much! Then i realise how much suffering i had put u thru when u c me with another girl. I'm so sorry. If there's something i could do, i wish i could take all e suffering away from u! It must had hurt so fucking bad! Wat is wrong with me? Y m i like tis? I know i'm very wrong to do tis right now but i still wan to say, "ah girl, I really miss u at times, i miss ur smile, i miss ur hugs, i miss ur laughter, i miss ur perfume, i miss mylo, i miss bathing mylo with u, i miss xiao gua gua, i miss going to furkids, i miss working with u, i miss walking mylo, i miss bringing mylo n u to sentosa, i miss fetching u on my bike n we sing out loud, i miss all e fun we had playing L4D, i miss our camping time at east coast, i miss our bangkok, genting n batam trips, i miss jogging with u, i miss carrying u from e room to kitchen, i miss all e anime n movie we watch, i miss those time when u anticipate my laughter while watching anime, i miss sleeping below u, i miss u kicking me to lie on my side during my sleep, i miss e soursop we once share, i miss talking abt our future with u, i miss carrying all e shopping bag when we do our retail therapy, i miss our song, i miss

4th SMS:

those times at pierce reservoir, i miss green meadow playground, i miss u sitting at e bus stop waiting 4 me, i miss e cheesecake u bake, i miss e sweet n sour pork u cook, i miss e clubbing n drinks we had, i miss e times when i look after u in hospital, i miss u riding tgt with me, i miss e time at ur place when i had to choose between u n wenhui n c u cry when i let u know e truth, i miss taking photo of u 4 our blog shop, i miss camwhoring with u, i miss ur family, i miss watching guai hua lian pian on ur mum bed with u, i miss driving u around in ur car, i miss e quarrel we had n e compromise that we made, i miss u thinkin of names for our kids, i still remember if its a girl, u wan to name her, cherish! i miss so much so much of u!" if only times remain still then. If only God could heard my prayer nw. I pray that u will be bless with lot of joy, happiness, health, wealth n love, n may Chris be e one to bring u all these, n may him b e right one 4 u. I'm really sorry 4 all e pain tat i'd done. I'm not trying to win u back or spoilt ur new r/s. I just wan to let u know nw that i'm gone, i will still b there 2 help if u ever need. Pls dun show theses msg to anyone, its only for us. I dun wan to create trouble between us anymore! I just wan to have a true fren who i can care n be cared by. If u dun wan 2 b fren, i understand. I will always be welcoming if u ever wan to. Have a good nite! Sweet dreams! Help me sayang n kiss mylo n xiao gua gua ok. Thanks alot! I hope all my tears will be gone. Tk care k


Seeing the smses again.. it still befuddles me as to why he would send such an sms saying all those things because it kinda felt like he was cheating, not being honest or whatever you call it, to his new girlfriend.. but i have stopped pondering over it because i needed to move on with my life, i wanted to move on with my life.. A new life with someone new and someone who i know will not do such things to betray me.. And that is all that matters to me...

It was our 1st anniversary yesterday.. didn't do much, but still a lovely day..=) Finally reach our 1st anniversary, many times I felt that we wouldn't make it to 1 year.. I'm glad we made it through and I hope for many more to come..=)

Dear got another 2 interview today and another 1 more tomorrow.. I'm hopeful.. I hope he lands a job soon.. I can see him putting in a lot of effort to try and get a job soon so that we would be able to live through the month more comfortably.. I really hope things can get better soon..

Thank you God for watching over us, please continue to guide us and watch over us.=)

We are the masters of our own lives and own emotions...

I'm quite tired of hearing people, directly or indirectly, telling me to leave him if i am suffering so much. I really wonder who is the stupid or dumb person who taught them to leave or abandon a person just because they are facing a difficult point in time and when they need the support of others. Don't tell me if you married someone and he/she faces some hard times, you are going to divorce them? If i can't even get through this bump in the road now with him, what am i to do when we do encounter another bump when we are married? Even for a friend, i wouldn't do that, why should i do it to someone i hope to get married to?

Many who read my recent entries may question why do I still hold on and stick around to go through all these shit, when I can just leave and have a better life. The question I want to ask back is, why not?

Just because someone is going through a rough patch now we should leave so that we don’t get dragged down with them? That is not even the right attitude and right thinking. Even in religious teachings, they do not teach you to abandon person at their lowest point in life and when they need the support of someone, be it moral or physical support, the most the moment in time. And it is not only in religious teachings that they teach it, it is also a moral value.

To me, so long as the one I love do not cheat, steal, lie or deliberately want to cause harm (physical or mental) to me, I will forever stay faithful to that person, because all other problems to me are solvable, with just a bit of compromising, understanding and effort from both parties. If a person chooses to leave because of any other problems other then the above, to me it’s like giving up, running away from the problem and not wanting to try anymore. Which is fine, but that is just not me. I believe strongly that anything problems a couple may face is solvable; it’s just a matter of whether you wish to face and deal with the problem heads on or not.

People always blame their negative feelings on others and never themselves. I may question why I am feeling this way, but I never blame anyone else for feeling miserable or angry or upset, because your emotions are yours and no one can control your emotions but yourself. Yes, people may try to manipulate you to feel a certain way, but in the end, whether you want to let the person affect you or not are all up to you. It’s the same with confidence, I’m sure you have met people, who, no matter how many setbacks they take or encounter, they are still the same confident person. And why is that? It is because they choose not to let things like that affect who they are or how they feel.

I am still learning to spot things that affect me to better control my feelings and emotions. I believe that when you find the source of what is making you feel miserable, you will be able to correct it. And I can tell you one thing, most of the time when you do find the source of your misery, it is usually your own self. And that is why there is this saying, 'You are your own worst enemy'.

Dear got an interview for a very good position. The recruitment person helping him is really nice and is doing all she can to help him get a job because she feels strongly that he is capable and is best fit for the job. You all may think that she is just another recruiter trying to earn money, but her job is to find people with capabilities and not papers to fit higher management positions. I find one thing she said was very true - paper qualification can only help you that much, there will come a point when your papers will not matter and that your abilities is most important'.

She is trying to arrange to have him interview with the 2 higher management personel to interview with him for a position of business developer in 2 big companies. Hopefully some good news will come our way soon.

Where is the spark in me? I just can't find it anymore....

I feel that I have lost the spark in me.. I’ve lost the enthusiasm to do anything. I have become boring and gloomy. I don’t know if its all the shit that have been happening to make me feel this way or is it my dear’s non-excitement to do anything have infected me as well. I don’t even feel like doing things that I used to love anymore.

I’ve lost enthusiasm to find my dream job. Sending out so many job applications, not a single one got back to me, except for those crappy and misleading MLMs and outdoor sales jobs. I’m like a discouraged employed worker.

I’ve lost the enthusiasm for life. I don’t feel like doing anything anymore. Sometimes I thought its cause I want to save money, that why I choose not to go out, but when dear suggest to go out, I just don’t feel like it, maybe its cause the only times he ever ask me to go out is to go to the range and practice golf.

I’ve lost the enthusiasm to go shopping, because I know I cannot afford to buy anything.

I’ve lost the hope to even get married and have kids. From all the bills that he needs to pay, to his constant thinking of buying watches and changing a new car when he has the money, I don’t even feel he has any plans to even save up for marriage. I can’t see which direction our relationship is going anymore. And if I have to start all over in a new relationship, I’d rather not. It is all too tiring, all the quarrels and compromising. I’d rather stay single forever.

I sometimes feel bad when my friends go out with me, because I feel I’m so gloomy and miserable to be with and that going out with me will only affect them too.

I’ve lost my smile. I don’t even feel like smiling most of the time and that’s why I sometimes choose to just stare at my computer screen for hours so that I do not need to face anybody.

This blog was suppose to bring about a new, better and happier me.

What is wrong with me????

Oh well.. look what you've done..

Well done.. your narrow mindedness and your inability to look far have cause your mum to feel even more alone then ever.. instead of trying to save the situation without hurting their relationship, you chose to stubbornly follow you ways without thinking of other factors. Now that you've return to your husband's side in some other country, your mum has to face everything alone by herself. After her retirement, she don't have the luxury of talking to colleagues anymore and can only rely on the company of relatives & her sisters, who may not be free all the time because they have their own family to attend to as well.. I really should congratulate you on this. She can't even do the only thing she likes anymore, and that is to cook, she can only cook for herself, which I doubt brings her much joy. She eats alone, goes out alone & you can bet there won't be any reunion dinners or lunch anytime soon.. You've made things worse for your poor mother.. You didn't even spare a thought of how your own mum would feel about her own two children fight and having what is left of her own family falling apart.. no mother, actually is no parents would ever want to see their own family fall apart.. it breaks their hearts and make them feel that they have failed miserably in being a parent.. and yes, I still stand by my statement that you are really ignorant for an adult and have no ability to see far.. BRAVO!

Aquarius Man

There is hardly any person on this earth whom an Aquarius man doesn't like. He is a people's person and almost every second person he meets becomes his friend. If he likes you, you are one of the many people he has befriended. It is when he doesn't like you at all or he likes you way too much that there are chances he has noticed you from amongst his numerous pals. As per an Aquarian male, the best way to pass the time is to probe into people's life and know their innermost feelings.

The same doesn't hold true for himself. He wants to hide his feelings from everyone and deliberately makes his reactions complex, just for the fun of fooling others. Love is just another experience for him, till he has been driven to the point of the altar. For him, all the people he has met hold a special place and special value. In the case of an Aquarian male, everyone is special, including those people whom he hasn't met yet. Selfishness is not one of his personality traits and he does not like small-mindedness.

His ideals are quite high and he seeks change way too often. Then, suddenly one day, he may become totally calm and composed. It will take a lot of effort on to assure an Aquarius male that he has become interested in one woman above mankind. After the shock is over, he will become an extremely considerate lover. Then, he may realize that he is neglecting the rest of the world for her and the consideration might diminish just a little. If you are thinking of playing games with an Aquarius man, ensure that what he discovers in the end is worth all that play.

In case it is not, he will just shrug and move on to the next mystery. Open books do not entice him and intriguing him will be your best. An unsuspecting female might feel way too important when he tries to probe her feelings. Then, she comes to know that he is as much interested in the bus boy or the new waitress. 'Poof', there goes her dream. Slowly and gradually, she cools down and finally, moves on to a more passionate guy. The Aquarian guy will sigh a little at her departure and then, get on with his next mystery.

He will never ever tolerate a person taking undue advantage of his goodness. Then, he can turn scathingly bitter and can take some shocking actions too. If he does something likes this to you, don't take it with your mouth shut. He likes a woman who holds her ground. The characteristics profile of an Aquarius guy shows a fetish for cleanliness and personal hygiene. In some men, it may become too much to digest. However, we are talking about the moderate ones. He will not go to many extremes to woo you, but there will be no dearth of romantic gestures either.

There are maximum chances that he will not be too comfortable with the whole idea of getting married. Infact, he usually looks for a female who acts as his best buddy, but makes no emotional demands. He isn't even good in expressing his love through physical gestures. 'I Love You' will take a long time to come and even after that; don't expect the issue of marriage to pop out next. He will churn out any excuse he can think of, to avoid it for as long as he can. Trying to invoke jealousy will not work, since he is not the one to come running to claim you.

He will resign himself and say that he knew he didn't deserve you. If you haven't played such tricks, then wait. One day, though much time later, he will realize that all his friends are married. Sensing this as a mystery he hasn't solved till date, he will propose you out of the blue. Jealousy and possessiveness do not define his personality. An Aquarian man will never ever doubt you or be suspicious of your activities. If and when, he becomes jealous, he will never let you know about it.

You will never have to worry about his loyalty too. He is not one of those who engage in dishonest relationships. Though you may get frequent reasons to be jealous, since he is so interested in people - both males as well as females. If you have asked him something, trust that his answer will be honest. It is better not to doubt an Aquarius man, or he can cook up the wildest story to add fuel to your suspicion. He will have his silent spells once in a while and during those periods, it is better to leave him alone.

He will come back soon, all happy and gay. With him, you will never to worry about money. It will somehow come into his hands. Don't be extravagant with the finances or he will get hurt. Nevertheless, he will have outbursts of generosity every now and then. As fathers, most of the Aquarian men encourage their kids' imagination. They are patient listeners and good at math's problems too. Make sure that you do not neglect you Aquarius husband when the kids come along. At the same time, don't be on the phone with your kitty friends when he needs you.

He married you so that he could have you around him all the time. So, always be there like a good wife and a good mother. An Aquarian man seldom forgets his first love, so make sure that you are the first girl who made him feel special. He may not be so romantic, but every now and then, he comes up with such beautiful lines that you feel as if you are soaring in the sky. He may forget birthdays or anniversaries, but suddenly he will say something so meaningful to you that will make up for all the lost time!


I find what they say is quite true.. almost everything applies to Dear.. =)

Sagittarius Woman

A Sagittarius woman lacks tact and her flat, on-the-face statements may make you feeling like running away from her. Then, suddenly, she will say something so charming that you will feel as if you are on the seventh heaven. There, you go again! You will be trapped in her charm once more. Once you have been enamored by a Sagittarius girl, you will be staying with her for a long time. She is pleasant, friendly, outspoken and very talkative. Her forthrightness comes form the fact that she has no illusions about the world.

She sees it exactly as it is and says what she sees. At times, you may wish that she were not so honest. But then, she would be like any other girl, wouldn't she? In all probability, you will not like it. A Sagittarian female is very optimistic, but she is not irrational. She will judge the entire situation as per the facts, analyze its probable outcome and still believe that things will get better. Usually, she is very calm and composed. However, when you become rude to her or offend her, she may become like the fire-spitting dragon.

Sagittarius women are quite independent and love their freedom. They are attached to their family, but not too much. If you want to get something done from a Sagittarian female, just ask her; don't order. She will never ever do it. She is your better half and don't you dare forget that. On the other hand, she doesn't want a sissy for a husband or boyfriend. He has to be a real man, who has his ego and won't stand for nonsense. So, you will be expected to balance politeness with firmness.

I know it's difficult - but then, since when was winning someone easy. With a Sagittarius girl, you will never have to guess. She says what she thinks and how she acts shows what she feels. This bluntness may cost her heavily at times, even to the point of ending the relationship. Still, she would act as if she's not hurt at all and it is just one of the many harmless flirtations she's had. People will even believe all this, while inside she will be weeping and nursing her wounds. All this time, she will be analyzing what went wrong and when.

The word 'marriage' makes a Sagittarian female a little nervous and you will need to tempt her in order to make her settle down. She is a little hard to catch and tends to be one of the boys all the time. That doesn't mean she looks or acts like a man! Infact, she is as female as any other girl is. The society and its norms do not matter to her. She can never be the hypocrite that some people are and tend to wiggle a few tongues. Her honesty and brusqueness further add to the negative opinions.

Don't be fooled by them. Look deep inside a Sagittarius female and you will find a woman who is so enthusiastic about life and who trusts easily. Infact, this extreme belief makes her heart vulnerable and defenseless. It gets broken too often, but then, she knows how to move on with life. You will be tempted to care for her. It's natural. There are hardly any people who can resist the bright and charming disposition of a Sagittarius girl. She will not be too good with money and will most probably be on the extravagant side.

She is very sentimental and emotional, though it seems otherwise. It just that, where her feelings are concerned, she becomes too shy. After marriage, your house will always remain sparkling clean, even if you don't have a maid to do that. She cannot stand sloppiness, it doesn't appeal to her sensibilities. She may not be too good at cooking, but she will also not burn your egg every day. A Sagittarian girl may pass the most sarcastic comments when she is angry, but she will forget the resentment soon enough. Then, she won't understand why are you so upset.

As a mother, she will be very friendly with the kids. Infact, she will be more of a chum, than a mom. Only, you will have to teach them to take her bluntness with a pinch of salt. Apart from that, she will be wonderful and make them as independent as she is. She will be a lovely hostess to guests and make them feel at home. Just let her be what she is. Don't try to change her and don't curb her individuality. She will brighten your life with her optimism, boost you with loyalty, trust you blindly and shower her affection on you. She will encourage you to see dreams and help you in making them come true!

True?

Seriously! Reflect on yourself too!

I spent quite some time talking to Dear yesterday and I finally see what is the truth more clearly now. Though there are still a bit of grey areas here and there, but at least I see more clearly now who is telling the truth.

Here are what bullshit she has been telling me and their mother:

1) He never fork out a single cent for the house.
- They went to HDB yesterday to transfer the name of the house and she again, for don’t know whatever stupid reason, said that he never paid a single cent for the house. Dear was irritated and asked the person to print out the statement to show her that he did fork out money for the house. Enough said.

2) She keeps saying that he gets himself into debt.
- Dear said he has never had debts, only this time. He admits he has borrowed money from his mum before, but it was to pay for 2 months rent for the fishing shop he used to own and another $4k, for whatever reason I do not know. Other then that, there was no debts and I think the reason he was unable to pay his shop rent was because of the case with his dad last time.

3) He never took out a single cent to help during the period their dad was giving them problems.
- His dad sued him and wanted to get a protection order against him saying that his son beat him. Would you have took out money to help in that situation? Anyways, his dad was always going to his fishing shop last time to help himself to the money in the cash register. I think that should be counted as putting in many cents to ‘help’ their dad.

4) It is a norm for him to be out of job after working 1-3 years.
- That is what I mean by jumping to conclusion. Did you ever bothered to ask and understand why he left the job? NO.. You just plainly assume he didn’t want to work cause of politics.
- His first job he left because it was during recession period and all the car industries were doing very badly.
- After that, he worked at a restaurant and bar as a Manager and got backstabbed and bad mouthed by people. He left because it wasn’t an industry he wanted to work in all his life, which I find is a reasonable reason cause there is nothing wrong with knowing what you want to do in life.
- Next, he started his own fishing shop. His father went and ruined it for him.
- Then the next company he joined, he did very well. He resigned because his senior manager felt threatened by his abilities and was doing all sorts of very despicable things to stop his promotion and force him to leave the company.
- Next company again, he was doing well again and then some idiot in the company throws a project at him to do and before the project can take flight, decides to cancel it and blames dear for the losses made. Subsequently, they started to deduct his pay every month.
- And finally, the last company, he was doing very well yet again and then the bosses started to do the exact same thing, except they didn’t cut his pay, but they delayed his commission every month and when he wanted to leave, didn’t even want to pay him his commission.

Do you even know all these? I bet not. Would you have continued to stay in the company under those horrible situations? Still dare to say you know him for 30years and that you know him well. Load of shit if you as me, when you are constantly travelling and hardly in Singapore. He gave up many good opportunities to work overseas because of your constant travelling so that there would at least be someone still in Singapore to look after your mum. He could have been rich by now.

The rest are more of less responsibility thrown at him because he is the man in the family. If your own family member is the sole-bread winner, struggling to make ends meet and is unable to do so himself, would you not step in to help? Wouldn’t anybody? That is what I do not see her doing. She flies off to Hong Kong and only comes back when she feels like it and only stays for a few days each time. She still talks about how dear never helps out with household chores and only does his own room. Are you ever around to see him do household chores? NO. When your mum is working, he does the chores, how is she to know he did do housework? You expect him to every time when your mum returns home and tell her he did the chores today? And how is he to help with chores when his job required him to work on weekends sometimes as well? How is he to do chores when during weekdays he has to work at 10.30pm till 2-5am and be back at office at around 12noon the next day?

You know how to talk, but I don’t see you doing anything. If you actually cared so much about your mum, you would have gone and find a job to work, like how you said you wanted to, so you can give your mum more money to retire and not care that you would have to sacrifice a bit of personal time with your husband or at least come back more often then you do to help your mum at home or hire a maid. There was so much you could have done, but you never bothered. Just conveniently throw all responsibility to your brother.

He has not repaid your mum the money he owes her last time because he doesn’t have enough for himself because he has bills to pay. And before he had bills to pay, his starting pay was around $1600.

And what is this shit about him having a lot of shoes? He has bought a pair of shoes in a VERY long time and only bought one or two recently because his old shoes were worn out and broken. He can’t wear the shoes he bought a long time ago because they are out of fashion or the glue at the sole would never hold from not being worn in a long time or it wouldn’t fit his feet anymore. If you want to talk about him having a lot of shoes, why not we talk about why do you need so many branded bags for?

So ya! Stop asking your brother to reflect on himself. He has and he has admitted to his mistakes and trying hard to amend things. Reflect on the horrible way you have been treating your brother all these years and your horrible action of making things worse instead!

I want things to take a turn for the better soon..

I'm so stressed out by everything that i'm losing sleep, losing appetite and even starting to lose more hair. I hope things will get better soon. No, i need things to get better soon, or my health is going to deteriorate. Already i can feel my body is feeling all the stress from all these. I do not know how much more i can take. I'm close to a breakdown. I really hope things will get better soon.

Spoke to dear’s sister yesterday. I was like their middleman, sending messages back and forth. Though his sister did offer to convey the message to him herself, but I refused. Seeing how she and dear are, it will only make matters worse if she did talk to him directly and waste all my efforts to try and get them on mutual grounds. She was saying how she felt her brother was immature and didn’t dare to talk to them directly. But from how I see things, I didn’t think it would even be possible. With her using an authoritative voice all the time, which sounds so demanding and belittling, is not going to get things anywhere with her brother’s character. Dear is a kind of person, loosely translated from Chinese to English, who eats soft and doesn’t eat hard. Even if you feel he don’t deserve the kind treatment that he requires, the only way he will actually listen to you is to still treat him with patience and kindness.

I find it wrong for his sister to judge him on how much housework he helps out at home when she conveniently runs off to Hong Kong to work and get married and throws all responsibility of looking after their mother to her brother. Another thing I disagree with is the throwing of responsibility of the family’s sole-bread winner onto him, I feel its very unfair to dear, just cause their father screwed up and their parents even up divorcing, he should be appointed the family’s sole-bread winner just cause he is the only male in the family. Who ever invented that rule? Everything that happened was not even his fault and now their parents screwed things up it is his responsibility? I’m sure he would be more then willing to be the sole-bread winner of the home if he was able to, but the thing is he is not able to now, so why can’t she help shoulder the responsibility as well and not conveniently push all the responsibility to him just because he is a guy. He is only human.

Anyways, no point pushing the blame back and forth, they are both in the wrong and both of them seriously need to grow up instead of pointing the finger at one another. Nothing is going to be solved screaming at each other and nothing can be solved not talking to each other either. Mature adults sit down and talk matters out calmly and compromise.

For You I Will - Monica

When you're feeling lost in the night
When you feel your world just ain't right
Call on me, I will be waiting
Count on me, I will be there
Anytime the times get too tough
Anytime your best ain't enough
I'll be the one to make it better
I'll be there to protect you, see you through
I'll be there, and there is nothing, I won't do

I will cross the ocean for you
I will go and bring you the moon
I will be your hero, your strength, anything you need
I will be the sun in your sky
I will light your way for all time, i promise you
For you I will

I will shield your heart from the rain
I won't let no harm come your way
Oh, these arms will be your shelter
No, these arms won't let you down
If there is a mountain to move
I will move that mountain for you

I'm here for you, I'm here forever
I will be your fortress tall and strong
I'll keep you safe, I'll stand beside you right or wrong


For you i will, lay my life on the line, for you I will fight,
For you I will die, with every breath, with all my soul
I'll give my word, I'll give it all
Put your faith in me, put your faith in me
And I'll do anything...


My sleep for the past few days has been plagued by many bad dreams. I feel like crying all the time because I feel so helpless that I am unable to help you. I'm so depressed by everything happening around me that i've even lost my interest in food. I want everything to get better soon; I want those bad dreams to go away. I do not want to see you this way. Every time I see you smile or laugh, I feel your struggle to mask your frustration and unhappiness. I have suggestions which I am afraid to voice out for fear of angering you and making things between you and your family worse. As much as I want to help you, I do not wish to be the messenger between you and your family anymore. It‘s very suffocating and pressurizing to be the messenger of such a sensitive issue. I feel that you should be more sincere and talk to your family directly.

If only I could get 30,000 people to donate $1 each, it would help so much. Now that the bank have given you an extension and allow you to pay the minimum amount, I hope you will make good use of this second chance the bank is giving you and keep your promise to them.

Everyday is a struggle to try my best to not look sad or worried or even cry in front of you, for you it may be easier to hide behind that mask of yours, but it is not for me. Even if you do not care about yourself, could you at least have a heart and think of how this is affecting all your loved ones around you? It is easy to ask us to just don’t care about you, but it is difficult for us to do it. If not caring was as easy as saying one don’t care, then the world would be in chaos by now, because the whole world would not care about what happens to another person.

Just like what the song above is saying, i will always be there for you and will do anything to help you, but i just ask that you spare a thought for others and how your actions may hurt them, don't make things any harder then it is already.

Stubborn people usually don't realise they are being stubborn.. Do not let it cloud your judgement..

Left on a rather abrupt note in my last entry. Nothing has change; the problems are still there and Dear is not relenting. I hope something can be done soon. I did some research online and apparently there are alternatives. I hope he will put down his male ego and pride and seek legal advice for his situation and not put his family and future in jeopardy. I just want all these problems to go away! All these tension in the house is suffocating and I can’t believe he can just act like there’s nothing wrong. Sigh.. I wish he would deal with this problem with more urgency. I want things back to the way they were, I don’t need a lavish life, just a comfortable one right now. I can’t write anymore, my mind is in such a mess till I can’t even organize my thoughts anymore.

Dear God.. please show me the light..

For once in my life I'm really at my wits end. I do not know what I can do to help anymore. Plus his stubbornness to not put down his pride is not helping at all. Why can't he see how selfish he is being? Even though I know he tried very hard and have been doing his ultimate best to clear off his debt, he is still in a wrong for letting things end up this way. He should have ask for help earlier if he knew he didn't have enough to pay his monthly payment and now the letter has arrived and demands he pay the full amount in 5 days time. If he doesn't, his car and flat will be taken away from him. His sister have asked that he transferred the name of the flat to her name but he has refused. Why? Why do you stubbornly not want to do it? Even if you didn't care about yourself and where you end up in the end, can't you spare a thought for your mother? Where is she going to stay if the house gets taken away? Already you're asking for her help and now that she is asking something in return you refuse. She just wants to protect herself now that she is in her old age. What is wrong with that? You're pissed that they don't trust you, but how do you expect anyone to trust you when you still have so much debts to pay? Anybody out there would feel the same way and any sensible person would willingly transfer their name out of the house to protect their loved ones and make sure they still have a home to go back to should anything happen to them. Stop making stupid mistakes after stupid mistakes anymore..

Friday high!

My team left for lunch without me.. -_-" So ended up having lunch in the office. No matter, it's a friday and my spirit is high. Looking forward to the weekends. =)Super no mood to work today. =/

I've always wondered why medical costs are always so expensive and why the doctors are paid so much. I mean sure, they paid a lot of money to study to get into a medical career, the equipments and stuff all cost a lot, but with the number of patients and money going in everyday, I’m sure they earn more then enough. So why can’t they just lower the cost for all those medical treatments? Can’t those doctors just earn a little lesser? With the pay they are getting every month, I’m sure they are able to recover the cost of all their studying in at most 3 years? Just earn a little lesser and take a little more time to recover their study cost wont kill right? Most of their patients come from middle-income families and below. It is very difficult for them to pay off all those medical bills with the income they have. I know you can get help from the government to subside the bill, but for those in the middle to above middle-income family, it’s not so easy for them to get that kind of help. I guess it still all boils down to human’s greed for money. Money is an evil thing. =/

Dear finally completed his resume and was able to send them out for job application. Think he managed to send out more then 10 companies yesterday. I hope good news will be heard soon. There were a few he sent out and forgot to update the date on the cover letter. I hope those companies will overlook that minor mistake and look at his capabilities instead. He really is very good at what he does. Dear God, please let him be able to get a job soon.

Going to stop here because i dont have the mood to write either. Haha. Have a great weekend!

Still trying to keep that glimmer of hope shining

Dear’s mum just told him yesterday that after this month she will retire because her health does not allow her to continue working. Dear was like, “Shit.. later she will find out I’m not working when she see I am home everyday.” But to me, I do not think it’s a bad thing. At least now he has no choice but to go and look for a job and his mum can start taking things easy. Maybe now, he will finally get the push he needs to go look for a job and I can leave the nagging to someone else. Was getting a bit tired of having to nudge him everyday to go look for a job. Plus, he is starting to get irritated with me for nagging at him everyday. I don’t need him to get irritated with him to know that I’m getting naggy, I, myself am starting to get irritated with myself for being so naggy, but then again, if he had been more proactive at looking for a job, I would not have to nag at him either. =/ I am a person who hates to nag, and I dislike people who do things that forces me to nag.

There are so many jobs out there now and the economy is good, so anyone who changes job now is sure to be able to get a higher pay. I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to seize this opportunity to look for a job and get a good pay. He is just so pessimistic about finding a job and always saying like there is nobody out there who will want to hire him. =/ Sometimes just feel like slapping him when he says that. He is always thinking he has no skills and that employers nowadays value papers more then experience, which is a load of rubbish to me. Then what is it that he has been doing the past 17 years? I do not know anybody that can advise their bosses on what business path to take, handle a staff of 50 men, coordinate a big event like F1 on his own and is even qualified to train people in effective sales. If he actually gets a job, I’m sure he could easily get a $4k and above salary!

I’m not going to nag at him to look for a job anymore. I have done all I can for him, I send him samples of resume and cover letter as reference to do his, I even looked for job vacancies and send to him to consider, I’ve even asked my colleagues to ask their boyfriends to check if there are any managerial positions available in their company. There is nothing more I can do, the rest is up to him now and I hope he will hope harping and worrying about the bills he needs to pay next month. Yes, paying bills is important too, but so is looking for a job because a job is a long term solution to his problem. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t in the least bit disappointed in him, I am, because I look up to him as a role model. A person who was still able to come up strong even after facing many setbacks in life, a person who is so capable of doing so many that most would not be able to do, that’s the person I knew, but that person does not seem present at the moment. At times, I just feel like giving up hope on him, but I won’t, not when he needs someone now more then ever. I just hope he will do something about it soon and not let all these problems ruin our relationship with all the negative energy he is bring into it.

Looking at the positive job outlook now, I’m wondering if I should still wait till my contract is up before changing jobs. It’s only another 3 more months and I’ll get a two months bonus! I hope the job market is still good when it’s time for me to change job. And I pray really hard that I will be able to find a job that I will enjoy working the next time round.

Still hoping for the best..

Sigh.. My dear is very down and not very motivated to look for a job because of his situation. I wish there was more I could do to help him. =( I just hope he can find it in himself to get motivated and find a job soon. I want things to get better for him.

Break-up and Make-up???

My manager is on leave today, can relax a bit. (^-^)

Saw something that got me thinking, why do some couples always play the ‘break-up, make-up’ game? What is their purpose of doing that? Ok, so maybe they do not purposely want it to happen that way, but don’t they get tired of it? I’m just wondering what could have possibly happened that is so difficult to solve and get pass? It’s not like their partner cheated and deceived them. Maybe to me, I find, so long as my partner does not cheat and lie to me about unforgivable things (like having an affair or being with me just to make use of me), then we can just work things out, let it go and move on. There is really no need for a break up really. Things like differences and incompatibility should not be an issue if the couple has been together for more then a year, because if that was the case, they would not even last for that long a period already. They would have realized it earlier in the relationship and called it off. These kinds of things are easily detectable, because it’s through feelings and feelings from the heart could never go wrong. I even read from somewhere that just because a couple does not have a lot of things in common or have a lot of differences, it does not necessarily mean that they are not suitable for one another. It is just a matter of whether they can learn to accept each other’s differences and how they compromise with one another. Some people choose to ‘break-up’ because they feel their partner is taking them for granted and that they don’t love them as much. These are things you can sit down and talk about and you will realize that most of the time, your worries are all cause by your own insecurities. That is when the problem lies with you and not your partner. So reflect on yourself.

So really, what is the point of this ‘break-up, make-up’ game? You do it one time, it fine, you do it two times, people still can accept it, you do it three, four, five times, people get bored and start to not take you seriously anymore. They will start to think, “Again? Aiya.. Nothing to worry about, they do it all the time. They’ll get back together sooner or later.” Even their close guy or girl friends, I’m sure they get tired of the same old story after awhile and they start to not worry or care so much because they know that in the end they will get back together again. I find if one couple really need to break up (actually it’s more like a cooling down period then a real break up to me), just do so without making a big fuss out of it. Don’t change your status on your facebook to single till the two of you have been apart for a few months or that you are certain there is no chance of the two of you getting back together, don’t tweet about it and don’t blog about it. Because, seriously, why do you want to hang your dirty laundry for the world to see? It gives people the impression that you’re quarrelsome, immature and just unable to solve your own problems. Just learn to be more mature about handling your problems.

These are just things I noticed and learnt through some painful lessons. We should all learn to appreciate what we have, who we have and be happy with it. Don’t keep asking for more every time, because in the end, we will only end up discouraging the ones we love and may never attain true happiness.

P.S: By the way, if after reading this, you feel that I am making a personal attack on any individual, I am not. I'm just speaking of a hand full of people in general. So take no offence after reading it. It's just food for thought. Just thought I should clarify. (",)

Ok, back to a me. Hehehe.. Went to the range again with dear yesterday after work. My swing totally sucked cause I was having the same stupid migraine headache. Lucky it wasn’t so bad till I can't even practice. I can’t get the correct swing. I think it is because the damn club is too heavy for me, could actually feel my shoulders shaking from overly exerting strength. But I still need to make do with the damn club for now because I’ve got no money to get lighter clubs. =/ Dear proposed jogging tonight, then back to the range again tomorrow and then jogging the day after and rest on Friday and weekends. Think I’m going to die. -_-“ but it’s good, at least he is motivating me to workout. So I shall be a good sport and go with it. (",)

I really do hope dear finds a job soon and things get better.

I pray all will become better soon...

It’s a Monday again. Weekends always fly pass so quickly. -_-“ I read an article on the internet and they said that the ‘blues’ usually always comes in on a Wednesday because it is mid-week and we’re only halfway to the weekends. We don’t usually feel the ‘blues’ on a Monday cause the weekend just past and we are still feeling relaxed from the recent memories of the weekends. In fact, we are more productive on a Monday. So ‘Monday blues’ should change to ‘Wednesday blues’ instead. But for me, I get the ‘blues’ all week except for the weekends. I guess that happens when you do not like your job.. =/

I’m still contemplating if I should go back to studying and get a degree after my contract is up in June. Some are saying I should take the opportunity to study if I can afford to, some are saying I should only study if I really know what I want to do after complete my degree. I have weighted all my opinions, but I’m still not able to come up with an answer. =/ Many are saying I should get a degree cause it will help me get a better starting pay and faster promotion. Many are saying it’s going to be a waste of time if I get a degree and still do not know what job I want to do after and that if I end up doing a job that is not relevant to my degree, employers will value experience more in those situations. Sucks. Wish someone could give me better advice. Hate to be at a cross road and still looking for the right path to take, I just want to be on the right path and start sprinting forward. =/ Maybe.. if God can help me decide? If I can get a job that I want to do, I will not go back to studying, if I can’t get a job I would want as a long term career, I go back to studying?

Dear finally did his resume after much delay due to illnesses. Doing his resume for the first time in 17 years. 0_0 It really deludes me how a high flyer such as him could end up in a situation he is now. His whole career life has been plague with nothing but bad luck and really bad people. He would always be doing well, getting promoted and everything and then some ass-prick gets threatened by his abilities, starts deluding themselves into thinking he will try and take over their role/ position/ company and then starts doing all kinds of despicable things to stop his climb up the career ladder. Can’t believe there are so many idiotic people out there. But I guess dear was partly at fault for being too trusting and nice.

Recently he got made use of again by another ass-prick and worst of all was that person was supposed to be one of his close friend and someone he trusted. I’m glad he is no longer a friend of ours. A friend who didn’t have the balls to come out and tell his other close friend that he is currently together with his ex girlfriend nor even apologize about it, a friend that made use of dear to help him start up a new business and expecting my dear work for him without paying him just because the stupid office is not ready or that the company was low on funds or that the business have not take flight (which everybody who runs a business should know it is not possible in such a short period of time) and still had the cheek to say what dear have done in the two months was not really work. Such a friend is better off not having because you won’t know what other things he might do to you again. Good ridden to a first class A**hole.

I just hope Dear will be able to find a good paying job soon. With all the bills he needs to pay, he is really struggling to pay them and without any pay, it is really hard and it is stressing him out a lot, which makes him a little short tempered. I am trying my best to help him and I wish there was more I could do to help him, but with the little pay that I earn, there is only so much I can do. How I wish I earn more money then I do now, even if it’s just a little bit more. How I wish I am completing my contract this month, then I would get a lump sum of money which I can use to help him coop with his bills and give him more time to look for a job. =( I feel so useless. My dear is in trouble and yet I can’t help him, and it frustrates me even more that he is not willing to accept my help. If he won’t even accept help from me, then who is he going to turn to for help? It really saddens me to see him suffer like that. =( Dear God, please help him through this difficult time and help make things better for him. He may not believe in you, but I do.

Aside to a lighter note, I recently started taking up golf so that I can go to the practice range with dear and also overseas to see those beautiful golf course dear always tells me about. Golf isn’t so bad, but it’s quite tough cause there is a lot of theory to it and you need lots of practice to be good in it. Best thing is, it works your core muscles. =) So far I’ve only been to the range with dear twice, but I feel I’m progressing quite well. Hopefully it is a sport I will keep playing and will do so with dear dear.